Jogjakarta: Bagian Hidup Saya

Jogjakarta: Bagian Hidup Saya

Jika seseorang bertanya pada saya tentang hal apa yang paling berkesan dalam hidup saya, saya akan menjawab: “Perjalanan saya pertama kali ke Jogja.” Mengapa? Karena di situ saya pertama kali merasakan bagaimana rasa takjub pada suatu tempat dan pada cerita dibalik tempat tersebut. Saya merasakan hal yang tak biasa yang sebelumnya belum pernah saya rasakan di tempat-tempat lain. Jogjakarta meninggalkan sebuah kesan yang mendalam bagi seorang anak perempuan yang selalu ingin tahu.

2013. Saya adalah seorang anak perempuan yang berumur 13 tahun. Telah merencanakan sebuah perjalanan liburan dengan keluarganya yang awalnya hanya sekedar jalan-jalan biasa. Kali ini, kami memutuskan untuk pergi ke Jogjakarta. “Ayah! Bunda! Aku pengen ke Kraton. Aku pengen liat aslinya gimana!” Itulah motivasi awal saya untuk menginjakkan kaki di Jogjakarta. Sebagai seorang pecinta sejarah kerajaan yang mempelajari sendiri apa yang harus dipelajarinya, saya merasa ketertarikan saya tidak terpenuhi jika saya tidak mencari tau lebih dalam mengenai Kraton Jogjakarta, keluarga yang berada di dalamnya dan kota Jogjakarta itu sendiri.

Kami sekeluarga pergi ke Kraton didampingi seorang tour guide. Saya menyimak apa saja yang beliau jelaskan dan ketika itu saya merasa seperti seseorang yang baru saja menemukan sesuatu yang baru, yang belum pernah dirasakan sebelumnya. Ketertarikan saya dengan dunia kerajaan, monarki dan aristokrasi membentuk saya untuk menghargai sejarah dan seluruh detil informasi yang bisa saya dapatkan saat ini. Ketika saya menginjakkan kaki di Kraton, perasaan itu muncul. Perasaan untuk menghargai dan melindungi sebuah aset sejarah berharga yang bisa dibilang sentimental untuk saya.

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Saya (kedua dari kanan) dan keluarga di Kraton Jogjakarta. ©Kya Hill / 2013.

Kraton adalah salah satu contoh yang memperlihatkan betapa kayanya Jogja dengan nilai sejarah yang kental yang sampai sekarang masih dipertahankan. Sebagai bagian dari generasi muda, saya sangat bersyukur karena kita masih mempunyai Jogja. Masih mempunyai sebuah daerah istimewa yang penuh dengan cerita. Sebuah daerah yang membuat saya merasa menjadi Jogja, menjadi Indonesia. Ketika saya menginjakkan kaki di dalamnya, saya merasa seperti ada di rumah kedua saya. Saya merasa seperti berada di tempat yang seharusnya saya berada.

Dari hobi dan ketertarikan saya pada dunia kerajaan, monarki dan aristokrasi, saya mendapat banyak teman dari luar negeri yang mempunyai ketertarikan yang sama. Kami bertukar wawasan, berdiskusi dan menyampaikan informasi-informasi penting seputar topik favorit kami semua. Saya selalu dengan bangga mempromosikan sebuah Kesultanan yang unik di sebuah Daerah Istimewa. Saya menjelaskan semua secara detil berdasarkan hal-hal yang saya ketahui. Tak jarang, banyak teman bule yang takjub dengan hal ini.

Mereka semua antusias, bertanya berbagai macam hal. Mulai dari protokol, istana, anggota kerajaan, apa kepentingan dari pakaian yang di pakai serta hal-hal lainnya. Saya akui, kadang saya membutuhkan bantuan pencarian informasi cepat di Google untuk kemudian saya ambil poin pentingnya dan dijelaskan lebih dalam lagi pada teman-teman saya yang rata-rata berasal dari Eropa yang sudah tidak asing lagi dengan sebuah monarki atau kerajaan. Saya bangga bisa mempunyai ‘bahan pamer’ sendiri. Mereka punya London, yang lain punya Copenhagen, tak mau kalah yang lainnya punya Stockholm. Saya punya Jogjakarta.

Jogjakarta dengan segala keistimewaannya, dengan segala daya tariknya. Berhasil merebut hati saya dan menetapkannya di sana. Seperti yang orang-orang bilang, “I left my heart in Jogjakarta.” Saya meninggalkan sebagian diri saya di Jogjakarta. Kesan saya terhadap daerah yang istimewa ini akan selalu terkenang di dalam hidup saya sebagai sebuah pengalaman pertama saya, seorang anak perempuan yang ingin tahu yang akhirnya jatuh cinta.

Saya merasa, tidak ada daerah lain yang lebih unik, lebih istimewa, lebih kaya dan beragam serta lebih mengesankan dari Jogjakarta. Karena hingga saat ini, saya selalu ingin kembali lagi, lagi dan lagi. Saya ingin terbawa dengan suasananya yang seakan-akan mengundang saya untuk mencari tahu lebih dalam lagi, lebih jauh lagi dan terus menggali segala informasi yang bisa saya dapatkan.

Saya mencintai Jogjakarta dari awal saya menginjakkan kaki saya di sana. Saya mencintai Jogjakarta karena hanya di sana, saya merasakan ketakjuban yang luar biasa. Di sana saya mengerti arti dari menjaga, menghargai dan mencintai sejarah.

Jogjakarta adalah bagian hidup saya.

“Kota kita tidak memerlukan kata pujian yang berlebihan. Dia hanya perlu sentuhan kasih dari hati nurani kita.”

-Sri Sultan Hamengkubuwono X

FAQ: “Why did you get homeschooled?”

FAQ: “Why did you get homeschooled?”

I have been observing how people start a conversation with me lately. I can point out the majority of the questions they gave out because each time I start a conversation with someone I don’t regularly talk to, I always keep in mind the first question they ask with a previous knowledge of my current conditions.

Number one is “Where do you go to school now?” which follows with “Oh? You’re homeschooled? How’s that like?” which leads to “Which one do you like better? Regular or homeschooled?” It’s always the same thing over and over. I can almost guarantee the pattern. It’s the same with one of the things people keep repeating upon seeing me, “Wow! You look so much like your father!” or “You are your father in a girl form!” I swear if I get a dollar every time someone mentions that, I would be so rich right now.

Anyways, I always answer to the earlier question pattern with. “I’m homeschooled. It’s liberating. I like it better.” Most of them would show the face of “what? you don’t feel like it’s not normal? what are you doing with your life just staying at home?” And you can see it clearly. It’s the movement of nodding with slightly curled lips and squinting eyes with a sense of pretentious acceptance. Although, realistically,  they are actually doubting if what I do is good or not.

To be honest, it’s pretty relative. I am the kinda person who loves doing things the way I want it to be done. I like rules but, only to keep me structured. I don’t like rules when I find them illogical and has nothing to do with the importance of learning which I find a lot in regular school at least the ones I know or attended. I love studying, I love learning but, I don’t like the dictating nature of an institution which I found to be quite useless. I know that every place has its own regulations and so on but, I know myself enough to believe that I can adapt to it quite smoothly. Because that’s just who I am. I adapt and I am aware of that. Sure, I can be shy at first but, once I found the chance, I shot right out. So, I have no worries at all.

“But, don’t you feel like you’re missing out on the high school shenanigans?” To be honest with you, no. Not at all. That’s what I have been avoiding, to be honest. High school can be stressful and the peer pressure is quite intense whether you realise it or not. I just don’t want any part of it. And I realise that I focused more by doing this. I may seem like I am not doing anything which, technically a little bit true. But, I found myself to be liberated in my ways of studying. I feel like I can absorb more of the stuff I want by excluding the unnecessary element of regular high school. Plus, I can study whenever however I want. No freaking pressure whatsoever.

“Do you still have any friends?” Why of course, I do. I’m not some lone weirdo who’s afraid of people. I am a people-oriented person. I love talking to people and interact with people. I love observing them and I love learning about them as well as them learning about me. So yes, of course. I maintain my friends and select a few I am really interested in. So, no. I am not lonely or anything. Fyi, I really love attention so, if I don’t have many people to attract with, I would probably be stressed out by now but, I’m fine.

“Don’t you miss regular school?” What? The place where I feel like I hate myself the most? Nah. I just feel like waking up early in the morning every day just to go to a place where I loathe myself is not something I am attracted to do once more. I just feel like I have never been appreciated for what I have and rather be defined for the things I lack in. No matter how many achievements, how many things I did brilliantly in the things I excel in, they won’t recognise that as me. But, when I do horribly on the things I lack the ability in, they would remind me continuously in a subtle way that I am horrible and I am not good enough.  Recognition is needed sometimes. I want that recognition, it’s nice to feel recognised for your abilities and what you’re good at. They never allow me to have that, they always define me for the things I lack. So, no. I am traumatized and I would avoid going back. I was offered to continue my studies in reg-school but, I decline. I won’t sacrifice my freedom only to let me hate myself again over and over. I am lucky that I can handle it quite well. If not, who knows what might happen to me.

So, why exactly did I get homeschooled?

  1. Conditions: When the decision was made, I just got back from the Philippines and my parents gave us (brothers and I) options.
  2. My Own Will: I want and crave change.
  3. Mental Stability: I want to focus on my well being.
  4. Time: I want to feel like I have time and not running out of time.
  5. Living: I want to feel like I am living again.

This may sound so extra but, I am just being honest. Truth be told. Because I am just so tired of people asking questions and giving me looks over the things I do like it’s their business. So, why not just share it. This is the space for it, anyway. Plus, an expressive person like I am always have something to say and always need an outlet to say something.

Keep living your best life.

Lots of love,

kkkkkk

 

Breathe

Breathe

17 July. Morning. 10 PM or so. On my laptop. Mum & grandmum just got home from the doctors. The verdict.

Have you ever felt like you just want to do everything you can but, you just can’t so the only thing you can say is, “It’s okay. It will pass.” Even though it sounds so pathetic?

Have you ever felt like everything will be okay but, just now you realised it’s bullshit?

Have you ever felt so useless?

That’s how I feel. I have been on the verge of a breakdown ever since I found out my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with a stroke. Early. But, that doesn’t mean she’s easily safe. Don’t let the words “Minor Stroke” & “Light Stroke” fooled you. Cause it’s actually more serious than that. That’s what people seem to think when they hear ‘minor’ and ‘light’ like it’s no big deal. But, it actually is. It’s like they can’t accept the fact that shit’s about to go down.

You know what pisses me off so much? The fact that I can’t do more than just help around with little things like doing chores more often or saying repeatedly to her that “It’s okay” even though I’m scared to fucking death about the prospect of her in pain. The fact that people kept saying that “it will be fine”, “things are gonna happen the way it’s gonna happen” and all those crap like they know shit. Fuck. I know, things are gonna be fine and that it will happen the way it was meant to happen. But, I just don’t want to hear that. I just need a chance to feel sad and let it all out. Aren’t you allowed to feel that way?

I really hate the fact that I can’t do things like I wish I could. I hate the fact that some people have the audacity to assume before they even see carefully for themselves on what my family’s dealing with. How this is unfair for my grandmother who has done EVERYTHING. How it is pissing the fuck out of me that some people just can’t get the fuck out of their worldly ambitions and care only about materialistic things. How it is destroying me, knowing the fact that certain people who you once thought are the closest, turns out to be sadistic-arrogant pricks that you hate to have interactions with or even see. How it is mentally draining me to live knowing that my loved ones are suffering, physically, mentally, emotionally, every-fucking-thing you can imagine. How it is extremely raging inside me, knowing that now my family’s at the bottom of the wheel, struggling, some people suddenly became blind, deaf and all out judging like they actually know what is it that we are dealing with. I just want to see, if they were in our position, would they kill themselves or not, knowing for a fact that they’re always been ‘on top’.

I just had enough. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t here. Sometimes, I wish I had disappeared. Sometimes, I wish I just fell on a long sleep. Sometimes, I wish I can slap the faces of those who shit on my family. Sometimes, I just want to spit on their faces. Sometimes, I just sit and act like everything’s fine and I am that smiling, laughing, confident Kya everyone knows. Sometimes, I just want it to end. Sometimes, I just want to breathe.

I just want a chance to breathe. Breathe like there’s nothing I need to worry about. Breathe like there’s nothing on my head. Breathe like I wasn’t on the verge of losing all my grip. Breathe like tomorrow’s just another peaceful day. Breathe. Just fucking breathe.

The woman I look up to says she felt alone. I understand her. I cannot feel what she felt but, I understand how she got there. I can’t say anything because there isn’t much to say. Sometimes, just listening already gave the nod. The only thing I can do is exist and I hope that is enough. I want to be able to also sustain, so that feeling of being alone doesn’t crush her. I should never allow such thing to happen.

All I have in my head is the motivation to make myself and all the people I truly, sincerely care about; Happy. That’s all I ever want. I have ambitions, I have dreams and the reason why I have dreams is because of the people that I love the most. I want to make them proud. People say we shouldn’t rely on on opinions of others. But, I always rejected that. Because there are the opinions of 5 people that really matters to me and everything I do is because of them. One of them is currently suffering after a recent diagnosis like I stated earlier and that really is a blow for me.

And again, all I ever wanted to do is breathe.

Just. Fucking. Breathe.

I Will Meet You There

I Will Meet You There

The poem I originally wrote on July 16th, 2015.



Leave a place
Leave a space
Leave some memories
Leave some strange sceneries

Walk the path of the future
Lead your feet out of the water
Trying to hold a grip
Though you’re afraid, you might slip

Friends, foes
They come and go
Love, feelings
Where did it all go?

Though I shall remember
All my fears and desire
I too shall forget
All my shallow regret

For when there are aspirations
Came great expectations
Must we all walk together all the same?
No, my dear
Find your own path and lane

If you shall feel
As if there is no end
Remember all God’s plan

And when you feel
A new breath of air
I will meet you there


All poems by me are very open to your own interpretation. I, of course, have my own.

 

Welcoming Eid!

Welcoming Eid!

Well, it’s almost the end of Ramadan! Which is bittersweet for most of us Muslims. The month truly is something else. But, that’s a different topic.

This is the second to last day of fasting during the Ramadan (Friday) which means, Sunday is Eid! Our holiday and celebration! It’s kinda like Christmas (it’s actually different but, in terms of celebrating, I guess the analogy could work. I just really don’t have time to explain).

On the day of Eid, we have our breakfast first because it is obligatory then we prepped up to go to the Masjid to perform Eid prayers. After that, my family usually got together (my grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousin) in my paternal grandparents’ house. We spend some time there (doing the traditional Indonesian ‘ceremony’ of sungkeman & have a feast) before heading back home to welcome guests from my mother’s side of the family because my maternal grandmother is now the oldest elderly person in the family. Oh, yeah, that’s another tradition in Indonesia. You get together in the house of the eldest person in your family (grandparents usually). We have another feast in my house for those bunch of fams.

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The fam during Eid last year (dad took the pic)

Then, there’s the food. My oh my, THE FOOD. It’s honestly the best thing besides socializing (gosh do we have enouuuughhh of that already in our livesss). My family has this tradition of making a traditional Manadonese/Sulawesi cake called Brudel. I love that cake so much man you have no idea. For me, Eid is not complete without that cake. Sure, Indonesians have this tradition of making Eid cookies and yeah they’re great too (I can single-handedly eat 20 of those) but, nothing beats Brudel. Nope, nada.

Usually, the first day of Eid ends with us feeling full because imagine getting used to fasting for a month then BOOM! All you can eat! We would also visit some relatives and went to the cemetery to visit my maternal grandfather’s grave sometime between the third to fifth day of the holiday because of tradition and why the heck not. I never met my maternal grandpa when he was alive cause he died before I was born so the only place I can ‘meet’ grandpa is at the cemetery. Sounds spooky but, I can feel his presence there whenever we visit.

Anyways, I’m writing this because I am just so excited about Eid. It is our celebration and Muslims all over the world celebrated on the same day! (or not because you know, timezonesss).

I hope you all have a blessed Eid, spend some proper time with your family and just soak up all the positive that’s gonna come your way.

Life’s too short. This year might be your last Ramadan.

Love always,

kkkkkk

May Life Updates : TIRED AF

May Life Updates : TIRED AF

As you all can see, I decided to end the A to Z format of my life updates post because I just don’t have the discipline and commitment. HA.

Anyways, May… my oh my what happened in May? Bono’s birthday on the 10th. More German course for 3 times a week. Repetitive routine. Sleepless nights. Tired.

That’s what basically happens to be honest. I spend a handful lot of time pondering about life too. I’m a curious person, perhaps you can tell already. But, like, I was really deep into it. I thought about what life would be like in well, let’s just say, 5 years. I thought of how I would cope on actually living a life as a human. I thought of how even technically, I am grown, I am still very much a child and I still act like one. I thought of how I might not be prepared??? Like, why am I so pessimistic all of a sudden?

I just went through my days tired as heck. But, I pull it through. It’s weird if you think about it. I’m homeschooled, I shouldn’t be so tired. Instead, should be more relaxed. But, well, shit happens haha. I just listen to a lot of songs to ease my anxiety (i don’t suffer from anxiety disorder though, mind you) because I can be so caught up in my own thoughts, it’s a bit horrifying really. I listen to a lot of Enya because of course Enya will help. U2, as well because it’s obligatory. A bunch of 90s songs I use to listen to that get me feel nostalgic about my childhood. Also, I just hate it sometimes that when I tell my closest that I have anxious feelings and is a bit uneasy, nervous and all those stuff. They just laugh it off and think I’m overreacting while, in truth, I’m really not. I genuinely feel that way and I could use a bit of assurance, yanno. Won’t hurt anybody.

But, anyways, enough with the weepy sad stuff (lol). Let’s change the topic.

So, here is someone attractive for you:

KEANU
This is Keanu Reeves. He is a pure cinnamon roll too good for this world too pure.

I had my Keanu Reeves phase on 6-7th grade I think and surprise, surprise! It made a comeback recently and nope, it has not gone away! I’m actually quite enjoying this because after all, what’s bad about Keanu? How could you all not love Keanu? We all love Keanu. Keanu is lovable. I even went as far as changing my Instagram bio to a metaphor of his name and my name (if people even bother to see, eh)

metaphor
I question myself on a regular basis, don’t worry.

It’s even crazier cause then naturally, following the trend of a 21st century fangirl, I started writing a One Shot/Imagine collection on Wattpad. What can I say? I get inspired.

Also, on a more important stuff….

RAMADAN IS HERE!!!! It started on May 27th and it went off smoothly so far. As usual, Ramadan gave off such a different vibes towards everything. Life feels slightly calming, slightly intimate and just more beautiful in general. I always look forward for Ramadan every year. I guess, every other Muslim felt the same way? Ramadan is such a month full of blessings that when it ends, we were all felt a bit sad. We wonder if this is our last Ramadan, we wonder if we ever gonna experience Ramadan again. It’s just one of those things us, Muslims understand.

Of course, German course has been intense. But, like, not too intense. It’s just that I realise I am doing this for real. I kept praying for things to go smoothly. Cause if this Germany thing went just fine next year, it might be one of the highlights of my life! One of the things I would feel most happy about! It’s such a promising prospect and I couldn’t be more excited and motivated.

In short, May has been a mix. But, as I say in the title. It has been very very tiring. An enjoyable tiredness. I don’t even know if that term exist but, I guess that represents my feelings. At least, I will definitely know that the things I do know will absolutely be worth it in the future. However, whenever that may come around.

I guess, we shall see.

kkkkkk

March and April Life Updates: Major Things!

March and April Life Updates: Major Things!

I know, I know.. I haven’t posted my March recap in the form of A to Z. But, to be fair, I have been quite busy. So, I’m here to post an entry or recap of what happened in March and why am I so busy in April, I can’t even manage to post on my own goddamn blog (which, let’s be real, no one read this anyway).

My March recap consists of my mum’s birthday which was on March 24th. She hasn’t aged too much, to be honest with you. That’s amazing. Then comes Depeche Mode. March really marks the month I totally devout myself to dive into their discography. My friend, Kelli helped me by sending their entire albums to my Google Drive. This is one of those times I feel really blessed to be in a time where technology allows us to do that. Imagine if I have to buy every single album on CD now!? Crazy. My current favourites as of now are People Are People and Walking in My Shoes.

I also met up with my friends from middle school and it was super awesome!!! We hung out, we talked, we discuss our future and reminisce a little about the past. It’s fascinating to grow up surrounded by your closest friends. They are changing yet not changing at the same time. It wasn’t the complete formation of our so called gang but, it makes me happy nevertheless. To see familiar faces who went through struggles in middle school together. Who knew us very well.

KR!
Photobooth fun with the gang!

Not long after that, I met up with my all time favourite fangirling partner, Syifa Husna! We hung out and gossip like proper fangirls do. We share life updates and talk about our obsession in such a passionate way. We don’t even idolise the same people! She loves K-Pop, I’m all about U2. But, what I love is the fact that both of us just listened to each other and understood the feeling even though we are complete opposites! Friendships are weird sometimes. I love it.

Then, March also marked the lead up to my busy life with the German language. It was a bit of an anxiety, leading up to April. Because I didn’t know whether I would get through with this German thing (I will tell you a bit more about it later on in this post, stay tune). I kept asking myself and my parents about the possibility of the German thing really happening. Then, of course… we got the answer by the end of the month.

Some historic thing happened in March too. The official triggering of Article 50 for Brexit happened on the 29th. Needless to say, the world was shook af, mate. A lot of people still can’t believe that Brexit is really happening. Mostly Europeans but, I kinda feel that way too, to be honest, and I don’t even know why, ha.

Of course, came April. Everything seems very clear in April. I start my German language course. Why? because I can very well do so, bitches.  No, I mean, I may have a plan on going to Germany for college. Oh yep, my dream to get out of Asia seems like it’s gonna happen, yanno, no biggie. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Shut the hell up! Of course, it’s a big deal for me!

I still wanna make it a bit low-key though. I don’t wanna go all hyped up about it even though I am super excited. I have always dreamed of changing my life drastically, to go away and see places, to get out of this continent and move to somewhere really different. I use to dream of going to England (who doesn’t tbh?). But, for the last year I just feel like it’s unrealistic and being the ambitious and determined person I am, I just have to get what I want, so I searched for ways and I kept searching for alternatives. The point is: I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE. It’s not even in a bad way, I just hate to stay the same. I want to change and I want it drastic. I want it to happen in ways I never thought I would imagine. And yep, God seems to be on my side and hear what I wished so, here I am. Never thought of Germany, ended up on queue to go there.

If you think this is something that I feel comfortable to do, you are wrong. I do this because it is uncomfortable. Why are you doing these things? You ask. Simple. I laid out all my answers above. Because comfort is dangerous. In my own philosophy, if you get too comfortable, you won’t dare to try, get out and discover endless possibilities life has to offer. I am very ‘rich’ here. I am rich in terms of how I have everything here with me. I have my family, I have my friends, I have people I can easily call upon and I just can do everything without having to bother the consequences (well, not necessarily as much).

Out there, alone, I have nothing but, myself. That kind of adventure is something I have been searching. People here might say that I might regret my decision of wanting to go independent so soon but, they miss the point. It’s good for the long term. I think it’s better for me to experience bitterness so early on then just living my life with nothing but sweetness. Then got caught up in this very unrealistic expectations on what life should be and could not be prepared.

Maybe, I am being dramatic or whatever. But, I have set some standards on how to live my life. I don’t want to stay in one place all my life. I want to get out and explore. I have stayed here in Indonesia for more than a decade and I am so bored. I love being an Indonesian, don’t get me wrong. But, I feel really tired and really bored of life. For me, I need a drastic change. Sure, it’s for college. I might get stressed out along the way. But, at least I did something! I took a leap of faith and just get on with it!

All these sounds so promising. I still have the anxiety inside me about things going absolutely wrong. But, prayers, man do prayers work. It really works for me. I don’t care if people think it’s stupid to pray. The power of prayers is just astonishing in my eyes. I just hope things go smoothly and I can go out of here peacefully. Hopefully, make myself and the people around me happy.

So, that is what’s been going on in my life and it will continue to get even busier. Especially with German! I am happy even though the German language grammar is a bit of a pain in the ass but, hey I am still at the earliest level.

So much is waiting for me.

So much.

kkkkkk