17 July. Morning. 10 PM or so. On my laptop. Mum & grandmum just got home from the doctors. The verdict.

Have you ever felt like you just want to do everything you can but, you just can’t so the only thing you can say is, “It’s okay. It will pass.” Even though it sounds so pathetic?

Have you ever felt like everything will be okay but, just now you realised it’s bullshit?

Have you ever felt so useless?

That’s how I feel. I have been on the verge of a breakdown ever since I found out my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with a stroke. Early. But, that doesn’t mean she’s easily safe. Don’t let the words “Minor Stroke” & “Light Stroke” fooled you. Cause it’s actually more serious than that. That’s what people seem to think when they hear ‘minor’ and ‘light’ like it’s no big deal. But, it actually is. It’s like they can’t accept the fact that shit’s about to go down.

You know what pisses me off so much? The fact that I can’t do more than just help around with little things like doing chores more often or saying repeatedly to her that “It’s okay” even though I’m scared to fucking death about the prospect of her in pain. The fact that people kept saying that “it will be fine”, “things are gonna happen the way it’s gonna happen” and all those crap like they know shit. Fuck. I know, things are gonna be fine and that it will happen the way it was meant to happen. But, I just don’t want to hear that. I just need a chance to feel sad and let it all out. Aren’t you allowed to feel that way?

I really hate the fact that I can’t do things like I wish I could. I hate the fact that some people have the audacity to assume before they even see carefully for themselves on what my family’s dealing with. How this is unfair for my grandmother who has done EVERYTHING. How it is pissing the fuck out of me that some people just can’t get the fuck out of their worldly ambitions and care only about materialistic things. How it is destroying me, knowing the fact that certain people who you once thought are the closest, turns out to be sadistic-arrogant pricks that you hate to have interactions with or even see. How it is mentally draining me to live knowing that my loved ones are suffering, physically, mentally, emotionally, every-fucking-thing you can imagine. How it is extremely raging inside me, knowing that now my family’s at the bottom of the wheel, struggling, some people suddenly became blind, deaf and all out judging like they actually know what is it that we are dealing with. I just want to see, if they were in our position, would they kill themselves or not, knowing for a fact that they’re always been ‘on top’.

I just had enough. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t here. Sometimes, I wish I had disappeared. Sometimes, I wish I just fell on a long sleep. Sometimes, I wish I can slap the faces of those who shit on my family. Sometimes, I just want to spit on their faces. Sometimes, I just sit and act like everything’s fine and I am that smiling, laughing, confident Kya everyone knows. Sometimes, I just want it to end. Sometimes, I just want to breathe.

I just want a chance to breathe. Breathe like there’s nothing I need to worry about. Breathe like there’s nothing on my head. Breathe like I wasn’t on the verge of losing all my grip. Breathe like tomorrow’s just another peaceful day. Breathe. Just fucking breathe.

The woman I look up to says she felt alone. I understand her. I cannot feel what she felt but, I understand how she got there. I can’t say anything because there isn’t much to say. Sometimes, just listening already gave the nod. The only thing I can do is exist and I hope that is enough. I want to be able to also sustain, so that feeling of being alone doesn’t crush her. I should never allow such thing to happen.

All I have in my head is the motivation to make myself and all the people I truly, sincerely care about; Happy. That’s all I ever want. I have ambitions, I have dreams and the reason why I have dreams is because of the people that I love the most. I want to make them proud. People say we shouldn’t rely on on opinions of others. But, I always rejected that. Because there are the opinions of 5 people that really matters to me and everything I do is because of them. One of them is currently suffering after a recent diagnosis like I stated earlier and that really is a blow for me.

And again, all I ever wanted to do is breathe.

Just. Fucking. Breathe.


I Will Meet You There

I Will Meet You There

The poem I originally wrote on July 16th, 2015.

Leave a place
Leave a space
Leave some memories
Leave some strange sceneries

Walk the path of the future
Lead your feet out of the water
Trying to hold a grip
Though you’re afraid, you might slip

Friends, foes
They come and go
Love, feelings
Where did it all go?

Though I shall remember
All my fears and desire
I too shall forget
All my shallow regret

For when there are aspirations
Came great expectations
Must we all walk together all the same?
No, my dear
Find your own path and lane

If you shall feel
As if there is no end
Remember all God’s plan

And when you feel
A new breath of air
I will meet you there

All poems by me are very open to your own interpretation. I, of course, have my own.


Welcoming Eid!

Welcoming Eid!

Well, it’s almost the end of Ramadan! Which is bittersweet for most of us Muslims. The month truly is something else. But, that’s a different topic.

This is the second to last day of fasting during the Ramadan (Friday) which means, Sunday is Eid! Our holiday and celebration! It’s kinda like Christmas (it’s actually different but, in terms of celebrating, I guess the analogy could work. I just really don’t have time to explain).

On the day of Eid, we have our breakfast first because it is obligatory then we prepped up to go to the Masjid to perform Eid prayers. After that, my family usually got together (my grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousin) in my paternal grandparents’ house. We spend some time there (doing the traditional Indonesian ‘ceremony’ of sungkeman & have a feast) before heading back home to welcome guests from my mother’s side of the family because my maternal grandmother is now the oldest elderly person in the family. Oh, yeah, that’s another tradition in Indonesia. You get together in the house of the eldest person in your family (grandparents usually). We have another feast in my house for those bunch of fams.

The fam during Eid last year (dad took the pic)

Then, there’s the food. My oh my, THE FOOD. It’s honestly the best thing besides socializing (gosh do we have enouuuughhh of that already in our livesss). My family has this tradition of making a traditional Manadonese/Sulawesi cake called Brudel. I love that cake so much man you have no idea. For me, Eid is not complete without that cake. Sure, Indonesians have this tradition of making Eid cookies and yeah they’re great too (I can single-handedly eat 20 of those) but, nothing beats Brudel. Nope, nada.

Usually, the first day of Eid ends with us feeling full because imagine getting used to fasting for a month then BOOM! All you can eat! We would also visit some relatives and went to the cemetery to visit my maternal grandfather’s grave sometime between the third to fifth day of the holiday because of tradition and why the heck not. I never met my maternal grandpa when he was alive cause he died before I was born so the only place I can ‘meet’ grandpa is at the cemetery. Sounds spooky but, I can feel his presence there whenever we visit.

Anyways, I’m writing this because I am just so excited about Eid. It is our celebration and Muslims all over the world celebrated on the same day! (or not because you know, timezonesss).

I hope you all have a blessed Eid, spend some proper time with your family and just soak up all the positive that’s gonna come your way.

Life’s too short. This year might be your last Ramadan.

Love always,


May Life Updates : TIRED AF

May Life Updates : TIRED AF

As you all can see, I decided to end the A to Z format of my life updates post because I just don’t have the discipline and commitment. HA.

Anyways, May… my oh my what happened in May? Bono’s birthday on the 10th. More German course for 3 times a week. Repetitive routine. Sleepless nights. Tired.

That’s what basically happens to be honest. I spend a handful lot of time pondering about life too. I’m a curious person, perhaps you can tell already. But, like, I was really deep into it. I thought about what life would be like in well, let’s just say, 5 years. I thought of how I would cope on actually living a life as a human. I thought of how even technically, I am grown, I am still very much a child and I still act like one. I thought of how I might not be prepared??? Like, why am I so pessimistic all of a sudden?

I just went through my days tired as heck. But, I pull it through. It’s weird if you think about it. I’m homeschooled, I shouldn’t be so tired. Instead, should be more relaxed. But, well, shit happens haha. I just listen to a lot of songs to ease my anxiety (i don’t suffer from anxiety disorder though, mind you) because I can be so caught up in my own thoughts, it’s a bit horrifying really. I listen to a lot of Enya because of course Enya will help. U2, as well because it’s obligatory. A bunch of 90s songs I use to listen to that get me feel nostalgic about my childhood. Also, I just hate it sometimes that when I tell my closest that I have anxious feelings and is a bit uneasy, nervous and all those stuff. They just laugh it off and think I’m overreacting while, in truth, I’m really not. I genuinely feel that way and I could use a bit of assurance, yanno. Won’t hurt anybody.

But, anyways, enough with the weepy sad stuff (lol). Let’s change the topic.

So, here is someone attractive for you:

This is Keanu Reeves. He is a pure cinnamon roll too good for this world too pure.

I had my Keanu Reeves phase on 6-7th grade I think and surprise, surprise! It made a comeback recently and nope, it has not gone away! I’m actually quite enjoying this because after all, what’s bad about Keanu? How could you all not love Keanu? We all love Keanu. Keanu is lovable. I even went as far as changing my Instagram bio to a metaphor of his name and my name (if people even bother to see, eh)

I question myself on a regular basis, don’t worry.

It’s even crazier cause then naturally, following the trend of a 21st century fangirl, I started writing a One Shot/Imagine collection on Wattpad. What can I say? I get inspired.

Also, on a more important stuff….

RAMADAN IS HERE!!!! It started on May 27th and it went off smoothly so far. As usual, Ramadan gave off such a different vibes towards everything. Life feels slightly calming, slightly intimate and just more beautiful in general. I always look forward for Ramadan every year. I guess, every other Muslim felt the same way? Ramadan is such a month full of blessings that when it ends, we were all felt a bit sad. We wonder if this is our last Ramadan, we wonder if we ever gonna experience Ramadan again. It’s just one of those things us, Muslims understand.

Of course, German course has been intense. But, like, not too intense. It’s just that I realise I am doing this for real. I kept praying for things to go smoothly. Cause if this Germany thing went just fine next year, it might be one of the highlights of my life! One of the things I would feel most happy about! It’s such a promising prospect and I couldn’t be more excited and motivated.

In short, May has been a mix. But, as I say in the title. It has been very very tiring. An enjoyable tiredness. I don’t even know if that term exist but, I guess that represents my feelings. At least, I will definitely know that the things I do now will absolutely be worth it in the future. However, whenever that may come around.

I guess, we shall see.


March and April Life Updates: Major Things!

March and April Life Updates: Major Things!

I know, I know.. I haven’t posted my March recap in the form of A to Z. But, to be fair, I have been quite busy. So, I’m here to post an entry or recap of what happened in March and why am I so busy in April, I can’t even manage to post on my own goddamn blog (which, let’s be real, no one read this anyway).

My March recap consists of my mum’s birthday which was on March 24th. She hasn’t aged too much, to be honest with you. That’s amazing. Then comes Depeche Mode. March really marks the month I totally devout myself to dive into their discography. My friend, Kelli helped me by sending their entire albums to my Google Drive. This is one of those times I feel really blessed to be in a time where technology allows us to do that. Imagine if I have to buy every single album on CD now!? Crazy. My current favourites as of now are People Are People and Walking in My Shoes.

I also met up with my friends from middle school and it was super awesome!!! We hung out, we talked, we discuss our future and reminisce a little about the past. It’s fascinating to grow up surrounded by your closest friends. They are changing yet not changing at the same time. It wasn’t the complete formation of our so called gang but, it makes me happy nevertheless. To see familiar faces who went through struggles in middle school together. Who knew us very well.

Photobooth fun with the gang!

Not long after that, I met up with my all time favourite fangirling partner, Syifa Husna! We hung out and gossip like proper fangirls do. We share life updates and talk about our obsession in such a passionate way. We don’t even idolise the same people! She loves K-Pop, I’m all about U2. But, what I love is the fact that both of us just listened to each other and understood the feeling even though we are complete opposites! Friendships are weird sometimes. I love it.

Then, March also marked the lead up to my busy life with the German language. It was a bit of an anxiety, leading up to April. Because I didn’t know whether I would get through with this German thing (I will tell you a bit more about it later on in this post, stay tune). I kept asking myself and my parents about the possibility of the German thing really happening. Then, of course… we got the answer by the end of the month.

Some historic thing happened in March too. The official triggering of Article 50 for Brexit happened on the 29th. Needless to say, the world was shook af, mate. A lot of people still can’t believe that Brexit is really happening. Mostly Europeans but, I kinda feel that way too, to be honest, and I don’t even know why, ha.

Of course, came April. Everything seems very clear in April. I start my German language course. Why? because I can very well do so, bitches.  No, I mean, I may have a plan on going to Germany for college. Oh yep, my dream to get out of Asia seems like it’s gonna happen, yanno, no biggie. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Shut the hell up! Of course, it’s a big deal for me!

I still wanna make it a bit low-key though. I don’t wanna go all hyped up about it even though I am super excited. I have always dreamed of changing my life drastically, to go away and see places, to get out of this continent and move to somewhere really different. I use to dream of going to England (who doesn’t tbh?). But, for the last year I just feel like it’s unrealistic and being the ambitious and determined person I am, I just have to get what I want, so I searched for ways and I kept searching for alternatives. The point is: I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE. It’s not even in a bad way, I just hate to stay the same. I want to change and I want it drastic. I want it to happen in ways I never thought I would imagine. And yep, God seems to be on my side and hear what I wished so, here I am. Never thought of Germany, ended up on queue to go there.

If you think this is something that I feel comfortable to do, you are wrong. I do this because it is uncomfortable. Why are you doing these things? You ask. Simple. I laid out all my answers above. Because comfort is dangerous. In my own philosophy, if you get too comfortable, you won’t dare to try, get out and discover endless possibilities life has to offer. I am very ‘rich’ here. I am rich in terms of how I have everything here with me. I have my family, I have my friends, I have people I can easily call upon and I just can do everything without having to bother the consequences (well, not necessarily as much).

Out there, alone, I have nothing but, myself. That kind of adventure is something I have been searching. People here might say that I might regret my decision of wanting to go independent so soon but, they miss the point. It’s good for the long term. I think it’s better for me to experience bitterness so early on then just living my life with nothing but sweetness. Then got caught up in this very unrealistic expectations on what life should be and could not be prepared.

Maybe, I am being dramatic or whatever. But, I have set some standards on how to live my life. I don’t want to stay in one place all my life. I want to get out and explore. I have stayed here in Indonesia for more than a decade and I am so bored. I love being an Indonesian, don’t get me wrong. But, I feel really tired and really bored of life. For me, I need a drastic change. Sure, it’s for college. I might get stressed out along the way. But, at least I did something! I took a leap of faith and just get on with it!

All these sounds so promising. I still have the anxiety inside me about things going absolutely wrong. But, prayers, man do prayers work. It really works for me. I don’t care if people think it’s stupid to pray. The power of prayers is just astonishing in my eyes. I just hope things go smoothly and I can go out of here peacefully. Hopefully, make myself and the people around me happy.

So, that is what’s been going on in my life and it will continue to get even busier. Especially with German! I am happy even though the German language grammar is a bit of a pain in the ass but, hey I am still at the earliest level.

So much is waiting for me.

So much.




I had this on my notebook for a while now. This has been rewritten for countless of times. I hope it’s good enough.

This is about my undying love for a woman

Even though I might have broke her heart

I might have crushed them

I might have caused distraught

I hope I’m not much of an awful human being



Because I sincerely love her

I wrote this with heart and mind poured entirely

I am not the best thing to ever happen to anyone

But, I am glad that I happen to her

I am glad that I was destined to arrive on her hands




I am a being

Full of imperfections

But, you shaped and carved me

I don’t know why you were so determined

While you could have give up any moment

I guess that’s what made you special



This little flesh who grew into a living person

A very difficult one, that is

Has been blessed by your touch

Blessed by your care

And, my God will I ever be able to return it?

I don’t think there will come a day where

I can repay every single thing



Don’t give up on me

Don’t ever think you’re not good enough

When I cause mischief

You gave all you have, I’m just too stubborn



Sometimes being a perfect mother

Can be a little lonely

It seems like everyone around you

Turn their backs against you

While you and you alone knows best

About your own flesh



They try to stir you around

But, you refused

The amount of resistance you gave

When they try to change

Souls you have protected for years

Astonishing in my eyes



One day they will see

The things you fought relentlessly

Blossomed into something so perfectly

Their words meaningless entirely



I aspire to turn out being the woman you are

When my time has come

I know I’ll be clueless

But, I know that you’ll help me

So stay with me

We have a beautiful future ahead


A bond that no one

No one but, us shared

We are the only ones who understand

They try but, it’s not the same

Happy Birthday, Bunda. 

Kya’s A to Z: February

Continuing my newly founded blog post series. As I wrote it with Lorde followed by Lana del Rey singing in the background and occasionally checking Tumblr. Here it goes, the February edition of my A to Z!

  • A is for Aiming High

You all know that in this day and age, everything is possible. That’s why for the past month, I have been setting the bar high and aim for the highest possible thing I can achieve in pretty much anything. The process may not be fast enough for my liking but, time works in mysterious ways (no U2 pun intended).

  • B is for Birthday

Of course, February 2nd marks a particular day in my life. I became legal this year, according to Indonesian law. Still a kid tho. Still a kid. Pretty much still a kid.

  • C is for Chopped-off Hair

I cut my hair real short because I just feel like it but also, head over to letter ‘H’. I got my hairspiration from one of my friends online.

  • D is for Dreams

A sentence got stuck with me while I was on the road with my parents on a one fine day. We were in the car, talking about my future and all the likes. I expressed my concern regarding the matter and suddenly the sentence popped, “You’re allowed to dream as high as you can and make that happen.” Dad said that with a nod from mum. He’s got a point.

  • E is for Education

This month, for me seems to circle around the world of education. Not only because my brothers are gonna face the national examination which caused me to act as a proper sister by teaching them but, also because I need to start preparing for my own plans. Very nervewrecking.

  • F is for Facebook

I spend more and more time on it, somehow. Posted more there too. Chatted with one particular important person almost everyday when I can.

  • G is for Germany

The city of Mainz. That’s all I’m gonna say for now.

  • H is for Hair Loss

I’ve been suffering from a severe hair loss. It has not stopped. I don’t know when will it stop or how. Am I stressing out?

  • I is for Internal Motivation

Thank God, I actually gain motivation from my own self more easily now. It makes me do things with a purpose and a goal.

  • J is for Justice

We still demand justice in this country which unfortunately has not been realized by officials responsible regarding the matter. So many problems yet somehow, they don’t seem to care about finishing and/or listening to the demands of the public who wanted justice to come sooner. Even if they are indeed trying to solve things, they’re doing it recklessly with poor diplomacy and planning. Shame.

  • K is for Kerja Keras

From the Indonesian language literally translates to ‘hard work’. All of us, our family are currently working hard to achieve what we want to achieve. We are doing the best that we can do, perhaps until we reach our very last limit.

  • L is for Love

No, I’m not talking about the damn bullshit day. I just feel a lot of love centered around my environment while there’s also crisis in a more general context. But, well, love is still around.

  • M is for Major

I have been on the process of exploring my own abilities in order to decide my major in college. I have a very broad interest and I want to narrow it down a bit. I know what my choices are but, I am a very uncertain person sometimes and I want to make this very certain.

  • N is for Night Owl

Although, my parents hates it when I slept too late. I can’t help but, to be more and more of a night owl lately. I spend my time a lot in the middle of the night to read, write and study. Hope they don’t mind.

  • O is for Obligations

The obligations I have being a student has been increasing. My priority as a student is of course studying but, life planning in my opinion, is also required.

  • P is for Phone

I have been suffering from what seems like an eternal crisis. Phoneless. I tried to do more things to occupy my time (which is what I should do before too, btw). I became a bit more productive but, still I need a new phone to maximize my productivity as a human in a modern age lol.

  • Q is for Queen Elizabeth II

February 6 2017 marks the Queen’s Sapphire Jubilee. She’s the first to ever reach one! As a soft monarchist (see definition), I feel very happy to live during this historic moment!

  • R is for Realistic-Idealist

I live by the principal of being a realistic idealist and judging by my current life and things I might be dwelling in to for the past month towards the future, the words seems more and more relatable.

  • S is for Studying

Well, what more can I do to improve besides this and also praying?

  • T is for Twitter

I became an active user again and there’s that.

  • U is for yet again… 



The Tree Songs … Adam

A post shared by U2 Official (@u2) on


  •  V is for Very


Very tired. Very excited. Very happy. Very disappointed. Very angry. Very determined. Very alive. Very dead. Very sad. Very still. Very hardly trying. Very demanding. Very patient. Very desperate. Very everything. Very very very very much.

  • W is for the World

What is happening? What is trending? Why am I not following. So much stuff mixed up at once. I can’t keep up and very scared???? Somehow??? Help.

  • X ….. I have no words for X
But here is Xenon: 
n. - A colorless odorless inert gaseous element occurring in the earth's atmosphere in trace amounts
  • Y is for You Know Who

Please just stop causing fights and arguments in this entire goddamn country. Stop causing such a catastrophic atmosphere in pretty much everything. There is no future here. I thought you knew better, I thought you could exercise your diplomatic specialty in such a proper manner. Well, you always show a good kind of image back in the old days. But, well, that was all for the public votes. I never chose you but, I once had hope. Now, even hoping seems kind of silly to even do. Don’t you realize that the majority of your people are displeased. I am not talking about the middle to high class society. You can’t determine the public mood by looking at them. You must look down. And down there, it is not very pleasing. Shameful. I wish things were a bit better. It is my country too after all. I have my fair share of nationalism but, all I feel is disappointment.

  • Z is for Zealots


There are lots and lots of them here. They are all patterned with squares.