May Life Updates : TIRED AF

May Life Updates : TIRED AF

As you all can see, I decided to end the A to Z format of my life updates post because I just don’t have the discipline and commitment. HA.

Anyways, May… my oh my what happened in May? Bono’s birthday on the 10th. More German course for 3 times a week. Repetitive routine. Sleepless nights. Tired.

That’s what basically happens to be honest. I spend a handful lot of time pondering about life too. I’m a curious person, perhaps you can tell already. But, like, I was really deep into it. I thought about what life would be like in well, let’s just say, 5 years. I thought of how I would cope on actually living a life as a human. I thought of how even technically, I am grown, I am still very much a child and I still act like one. I thought of how I might not be prepared??? Like, why am I so pessimistic all of a sudden?

I just went through my days tired as heck. But, I pull it through. It’s weird if you think about it. I’m homeschooled, I shouldn’t be so tired. Instead, should be more relaxed. But, well, shit happens haha. I just listen to a lot of songs to ease my anxiety (i don’t suffer from anxiety disorder though, mind you) because I can be so caught up in my own thoughts, it’s a bit horrifying really. I listen to a lot of Enya because of course Enya will help. U2, as well because it’s obligatory. A bunch of 90s songs I use to listen to that get me feel nostalgic about my childhood. Also, I just hate it sometimes that when I tell my closest that I have anxious feelings and is a bit uneasy, nervous and all those stuff. They just laugh it off and think I’m overreacting while, in truth, I’m really not. I genuinely feel that way and I could use a bit of assurance, yanno. Won’t hurt anybody.

But, anyways, enough with the weepy sad stuff (lol). Let’s change the topic.

So, here is someone attractive for you:

KEANU
This is Keanu Reeves. He is a pure cinnamon roll too good for this world too pure.

I had my Keanu Reeves phase on 6-7th grade I think and surprise, surprise! It made a comeback recently and nope, it has not gone away! I’m actually quite enjoying this because after all, what’s bad about Keanu? How could you all not love Keanu? We all love Keanu. Keanu is lovable. I even went as far as changing my Instagram bio to a metaphor of his name and my name (if people even bother to see, eh)

metaphor
I question myself on a regular basis, don’t worry.

It’s even crazier cause then naturally, following the trend of a 21st century fangirl, I started writing a One Shot/Imagine collection on Wattpad. What can I say? I get inspired.

Also, on a more important stuff….

RAMADAN IS HERE!!!! It started on May 27th and it went off smoothly so far. As usual, Ramadan gave off such a different vibes towards everything. Life feels slightly calming, slightly intimate and just more beautiful in general. I always look forward for Ramadan every year. I guess, every other Muslim felt the same way? Ramadan is such a month full of blessings that when it ends, we were all felt a bit sad. We wonder if this is our last Ramadan, we wonder if we ever gonna experience Ramadan again. It’s just one of those things us, Muslims understand.

Of course, German course has been intense. But, like, not too intense. It’s just that I realise I am doing this for real. I kept praying for things to go smoothly. Cause if this Germany thing went just fine next year, it might be one of the highlights of my life! One of the things I would feel most happy about! It’s such a promising prospect and I couldn’t be more excited and motivated.

In short, May has been a mix. But, as I say in the title. It has been very very tiring. An enjoyable tiredness. I don’t even know if that term exist but, I guess that represents my feelings. At least, I will definitely know that the things I do now will absolutely be worth it in the future. However, whenever that may come around.

I guess, we shall see.

kkkkkk

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March and April Life Updates: Major Things!

March and April Life Updates: Major Things!

I know, I know.. I haven’t posted my March recap in the form of A to Z. But, to be fair, I have been quite busy. So, I’m here to post an entry or recap of what happened in March and why am I so busy in April, I can’t even manage to post on my own goddamn blog (which, let’s be real, no one read this anyway).

My March recap consists of my mum’s birthday which was on March 24th. She hasn’t aged too much, to be honest with you. That’s amazing. Then comes Depeche Mode. March really marks the month I totally devout myself to dive into their discography. My friend, Kelli helped me by sending their entire albums to my Google Drive. This is one of those times I feel really blessed to be in a time where technology allows us to do that. Imagine if I have to buy every single album on CD now!? Crazy. My current favourites as of now are People Are People and Walking in My Shoes.

I also met up with my friends from middle school and it was super awesome!!! We hung out, we talked, we discuss our future and reminisce a little about the past. It’s fascinating to grow up surrounded by your closest friends. They are changing yet not changing at the same time. It wasn’t the complete formation of our so called gang but, it makes me happy nevertheless. To see familiar faces who went through struggles in middle school together. Who knew us very well.

KR!
Photobooth fun with the gang!

Not long after that, I met up with my all time favourite fangirling partner, Syifa Husna! We hung out and gossip like proper fangirls do. We share life updates and talk about our obsession in such a passionate way. We don’t even idolise the same people! She loves K-Pop, I’m all about U2. But, what I love is the fact that both of us just listened to each other and understood the feeling even though we are complete opposites! Friendships are weird sometimes. I love it.

Then, March also marked the lead up to my busy life with the German language. It was a bit of an anxiety, leading up to April. Because I didn’t know whether I would get through with this German thing (I will tell you a bit more about it later on in this post, stay tune). I kept asking myself and my parents about the possibility of the German thing really happening. Then, of course… we got the answer by the end of the month.

Some historic thing happened in March too. The official triggering of Article 50 for Brexit happened on the 29th. Needless to say, the world was shook af, mate. A lot of people still can’t believe that Brexit is really happening. Mostly Europeans but, I kinda feel that way too, to be honest, and I don’t even know why, ha.

Of course, came April. Everything seems very clear in April. I start my German language course. Why? because I can very well do so, bitches.  No, I mean, I may have a plan on going to Germany for college. Oh yep, my dream to get out of Asia seems like it’s gonna happen, yanno, no biggie. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Shut the hell up! Of course, it’s a big deal for me!

I still wanna make it a bit low-key though. I don’t wanna go all hyped up about it even though I am super excited. I have always dreamed of changing my life drastically, to go away and see places, to get out of this continent and move to somewhere really different. I use to dream of going to England (who doesn’t tbh?). But, for the last year I just feel like it’s unrealistic and being the ambitious and determined person I am, I just have to get what I want, so I searched for ways and I kept searching for alternatives. The point is: I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE. It’s not even in a bad way, I just hate to stay the same. I want to change and I want it drastic. I want it to happen in ways I never thought I would imagine. And yep, God seems to be on my side and hear what I wished so, here I am. Never thought of Germany, ended up on queue to go there.

If you think this is something that I feel comfortable to do, you are wrong. I do this because it is uncomfortable. Why are you doing these things? You ask. Simple. I laid out all my answers above. Because comfort is dangerous. In my own philosophy, if you get too comfortable, you won’t dare to try, get out and discover endless possibilities life has to offer. I am very ‘rich’ here. I am rich in terms of how I have everything here with me. I have my family, I have my friends, I have people I can easily call upon and I just can do everything without having to bother the consequences (well, not necessarily as much).

Out there, alone, I have nothing but, myself. That kind of adventure is something I have been searching. People here might say that I might regret my decision of wanting to go independent so soon but, they miss the point. It’s good for the long term. I think it’s better for me to experience bitterness so early on then just living my life with nothing but sweetness. Then got caught up in this very unrealistic expectations on what life should be and could not be prepared.

Maybe, I am being dramatic or whatever. But, I have set some standards on how to live my life. I don’t want to stay in one place all my life. I want to get out and explore. I have stayed here in Indonesia for more than a decade and I am so bored. I love being an Indonesian, don’t get me wrong. But, I feel really tired and really bored of life. For me, I need a drastic change. Sure, it’s for college. I might get stressed out along the way. But, at least I did something! I took a leap of faith and just get on with it!

All these sounds so promising. I still have the anxiety inside me about things going absolutely wrong. But, prayers, man do prayers work. It really works for me. I don’t care if people think it’s stupid to pray. The power of prayers is just astonishing in my eyes. I just hope things go smoothly and I can go out of here peacefully. Hopefully, make myself and the people around me happy.

So, that is what’s been going on in my life and it will continue to get even busier. Especially with German! I am happy even though the German language grammar is a bit of a pain in the ass but, hey I am still at the earliest level.

So much is waiting for me.

So much.

kkkkkk

Bunda

Bunda

I had this on my notebook for a while now. This has been rewritten for countless of times. I hope it’s good enough.


This is about my undying love for a woman

Even though I might have broke her heart

I might have crushed them

I might have caused distraught

I hope I’m not much of an awful human being

 

 

Because I sincerely love her

I wrote this with heart and mind poured entirely

I am not the best thing to ever happen to anyone

But, I am glad that I happen to her

I am glad that I was destined to arrive on her hands

 

 

Bunda,

I am a being

Full of imperfections

But, you shaped and carved me

I don’t know why you were so determined

While you could have give up any moment

I guess that’s what made you special

 

 

This little flesh who grew into a living person

A very difficult one, that is

Has been blessed by your touch

Blessed by your care

And, my God will I ever be able to return it?

I don’t think there will come a day where

I can repay every single thing

 

 

Don’t give up on me

Don’t ever think you’re not good enough

When I cause mischief

You gave all you have, I’m just too stubborn

 

 

Sometimes being a perfect mother

Can be a little lonely

It seems like everyone around you

Turn their backs against you

While you and you alone knows best

About your own flesh

 

 

They try to stir you around

But, you refused

The amount of resistance you gave

When they try to change

Souls you have protected for years

Astonishing in my eyes

 

 

One day they will see

The things you fought relentlessly

Blossomed into something so perfectly

Their words meaningless entirely

 

 

I aspire to turn out being the woman you are

When my time has come

I know I’ll be clueless

But, I know that you’ll help me

So stay with me

We have a beautiful future ahead

 

A bond that no one

No one but, us shared

We are the only ones who understand

They try but, it’s not the same

Happy Birthday, Bunda. 

Kya’s A to Z: February

Continuing my newly founded blog post series. As I wrote it with Lorde followed by Lana del Rey singing in the background and occasionally checking Tumblr. Here it goes, the February edition of my A to Z!


  • A is for Aiming High

You all know that in this day and age, everything is possible. That’s why for the past month, I have been setting the bar high and aim for the highest possible thing I can achieve in pretty much anything. The process may not be fast enough for my liking but, time works in mysterious ways (no U2 pun intended).

  • B is for Birthday

Of course, February 2nd marks a particular day in my life. I became legal this year, according to Indonesian law. Still a kid tho. Still a kid. Pretty much still a kid.

  • C is for Chopped-off Hair

I cut my hair real short because I just feel like it but also, head over to letter ‘H’. I got my hairspiration from one of my friends online.

  • D is for Dreams

A sentence got stuck with me while I was on the road with my parents on a one fine day. We were in the car, talking about my future and all the likes. I expressed my concern regarding the matter and suddenly the sentence popped, “You’re allowed to dream as high as you can and make that happen.” Dad said that with a nod from mum. He’s got a point.

  • E is for Education

This month, for me seems to circle around the world of education. Not only because my brothers are gonna face the national examination which caused me to act as a proper sister by teaching them but, also because I need to start preparing for my own plans. Very nervewrecking.

  • F is for Facebook

I spend more and more time on it, somehow. Posted more there too. Chatted with one particular important person almost everyday when I can.

  • G is for Germany

The city of Mainz. That’s all I’m gonna say for now.

  • H is for Hair Loss

I’ve been suffering from a severe hair loss. It has not stopped. I don’t know when will it stop or how. Am I stressing out?

  • I is for Internal Motivation

Thank God, I actually gain motivation from my own self more easily now. It makes me do things with a purpose and a goal.

  • J is for Justice

We still demand justice in this country which unfortunately has not been realized by officials responsible regarding the matter. So many problems yet somehow, they don’t seem to care about finishing and/or listening to the demands of the public who wanted justice to come sooner. Even if they are indeed trying to solve things, they’re doing it recklessly with poor diplomacy and planning. Shame.

  • K is for Kerja Keras

From the Indonesian language literally translates to ‘hard work’. All of us, our family are currently working hard to achieve what we want to achieve. We are doing the best that we can do, perhaps until we reach our very last limit.

  • L is for Love

No, I’m not talking about the damn bullshit day. I just feel a lot of love centered around my environment while there’s also crisis in a more general context. But, well, love is still around.

  • M is for Major

I have been on the process of exploring my own abilities in order to decide my major in college. I have a very broad interest and I want to narrow it down a bit. I know what my choices are but, I am a very uncertain person sometimes and I want to make this very certain.

  • N is for Night Owl

Although, my parents hates it when I slept too late. I can’t help but, to be more and more of a night owl lately. I spend my time a lot in the middle of the night to read, write and study. Hope they don’t mind.

  • O is for Obligations

The obligations I have being a student has been increasing. My priority as a student is of course studying but, life planning in my opinion, is also required.

  • P is for Phone

I have been suffering from what seems like an eternal crisis. Phoneless. I tried to do more things to occupy my time (which is what I should do before too, btw). I became a bit more productive but, still I need a new phone to maximize my productivity as a human in a modern age lol.

  • Q is for Queen Elizabeth II

February 6 2017 marks the Queen’s Sapphire Jubilee. She’s the first to ever reach one! As a soft monarchist (see definition), I feel very happy to live during this historic moment!

  • R is for Realistic-Idealist

I live by the principal of being a realistic idealist and judging by my current life and things I might be dwelling in to for the past month towards the future, the words seems more and more relatable.

  • S is for Studying

Well, what more can I do to improve besides this and also praying?

  • T is for Twitter

I became an active user again and there’s that.

  • U is for yet again… 

hm.gif

THEY ARE TOURING AGAIN SOON AND I WILL PROBABLY STILL BE FREAKING THE FUCK OUT FOR MONTHS.

Raincheck. Show Director Willie Williams getting ready to illuminate. #TheJoshuaTreeTour2017

A post shared by U2 Official (@u2) on

The Tree Songs … Adam

A post shared by U2 Official (@u2) on

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. I CANNOT-

  •  V is for Very

omg.gif

Very tired. Very excited. Very happy. Very disappointed. Very angry. Very determined. Very alive. Very dead. Very sad. Very still. Very hardly trying. Very demanding. Very patient. Very desperate. Very everything. Very very very very much.

  • W is for the World

What is happening? What is trending? Why am I not following. So much stuff mixed up at once. I can’t keep up and very scared???? Somehow??? Help.

  • X ….. I have no words for X
But here is Xenon: 
n. - A colorless odorless inert gaseous element occurring in the earth's atmosphere in trace amounts
  • Y is for You Know Who

Please just stop causing fights and arguments in this entire goddamn country. Stop causing such a catastrophic atmosphere in pretty much everything. There is no future here. I thought you knew better, I thought you could exercise your diplomatic specialty in such a proper manner. Well, you always show a good kind of image back in the old days. But, well, that was all for the public votes. I never chose you but, I once had hope. Now, even hoping seems kind of silly to even do. Don’t you realize that the majority of your people are displeased. I am not talking about the middle to high class society. You can’t determine the public mood by looking at them. You must look down. And down there, it is not very pleasing. Shameful. I wish things were a bit better. It is my country too after all. I have my fair share of nationalism but, all I feel is disappointment.

  • Z is for Zealots

ew.gif

There are lots and lots of them here. They are all patterned with squares.

Study and Treats

You know that feeling when you just worked your ass off on something and you deserve a little break?


I have been working hard lately. Mainly studying. I am preparing myself for what’s ahead which is exams and all kinds of shit that follows it. I am still in grade 11, I got a whole year until I graduate high school and enter university. But, the efforts shall be made now.

I am still sort of floating all over the place on where should I continue my next step and what to do with all of that. Here in Indonesia or out of here and go somewhere else? Who knows, to be honest. I just do everything that seems possible. Again, who knows what will happen. We can’t really know what’s ahead of us so, why not try everything? Realistically I can say that I might not be able to do too much of something but, idealistically I have the plans set out for what I consider to be a better future out of this place.

But, anyways last night (24/02/2017) I walked home from my course. We studied history, Japan’s time in Indonesia, specifically towards the end of World War II. How the founding fathers of my nation and the youth collaborate on the efforts for our nations’s independence. To be honest with you, the Japan chapter isn’t really my favourite and I don’t really like reading about it. It’s one of my least favourite chapter in my nation’s history. I don’t know exactly why. Although, the process of how the youth encourage President Soekarno to declare our independence seems fascinating in my eyes.

Okay then, I walked home. I kept thinking about the few amount of money I have in my wallet, which is Rp. 5000 and I just kept walking until I finally entered the housing complex street and walked straight until I see the shops lining up towards the main entrance of the housing complex. I looked left to the mini market and debate whether or not I should buy something with the few amount of money I have. Because, I honestly I have been wanting to buy myself a treat for awhile. So, you guessed it, I did. I went in, went straight to the soft drinks section and inspect the prices of each items carefully. Considering, well, I basically don’t have much. I laid my eyes on a bottle of Pepsi (shameful, I know. Should have been a Coke but, it was Rp. 6000, can’t afford!) and decided to pick that up. It costed me Rp. 3500. I paid for it and receive a change of Rp. 1500. I felt good afterwards, I walked home and decided to take a rest from everything and drink my Pepsi. Treating myself to a blue bottled soda and skip off re-reading my books. Skip off studying entirely. I deserve this, I thought. I have been studying day and night (mostly at night. Dad actually doesn’t like it when I stay up too late but, well… I study better in those hours!) and I thought I deserve a little treat.

I think about how I also pushed myself, sometimes. To the point that I overthink stuff too. The other day I complained to my trustee great friend, AB while I chat with him on Facebook and told him I had a headache from my constant studying. He said I should get some rest and I basically kind of reject it, actually. My bad. Shouldn’t have done that cause he was right. I thought about how, treats for yourself are actually efficient in lifting your mood and it actually helps you through the studying hell hole.

I have never actually been too much of a studying person but, the pressure of wanting a quality education in university kind of pushed me someway. Especially since I receive a lot of input about how I should ‘study harder‘, ‘work more‘, ‘don’t play around too much‘ and all those crap. It came from several people and being the person who is easily infected as I am, I let it went through my head a little too far and felt a little down. So, I initiate it by overly pushing and telling myself that if I don’t push to do a lot, then I will fail horribly. Bad, very bad for the brain. You should note to not do that. Would lose all of your motivation in seconds, apparently.

So, what is the connection between that and the story of how I buy a bottle of Pepsi? Nothing. I just stared at that bottle last night and thought about writing rambles on my blog. In fact, this whole post seems to have no point. I just like to ramble. Ha. Classic me.

Kya’s A to Z: January

I gotta be honest. I got this idea just a day after my birthday. Although, it’s a bit late. I’m gonna try and do this monthly reviews. Challenging myself and all that crap. Right, anyways, here it goes!


  • A is for Acknowledgement

I have been acknowledged as one of the most responsive/talkative student in both my course and homeschooling institution.

  • B is for Billet-doux

I think I wrote and sent one.

  • C is for Compromise

I learned to come to terms with some things and some people.

  • D is for Dysfunctional

Some extended family problems changed the way I think forever.

  • E is for Effusion

I find myself writing a lot in a more open and heartfelt way. An outpouring of emotions, you might say.

  • F is for Father

It’s his birthday month and I wrote a poem

  • G is for The Godfather
giphy
LOOK. AT. HIM.

I re-watched all three of the movies passionately and found myself fell in love with Al Pacino (again)

  • H is for Hectic 

It just feel like it somehow this month. I got loads of shit to do.

  • I is for Ironic

After witnessing the climate in my country (politics, arguments, etc), it just seems like a fitting word.

  • J is for Joie de Vivre

I have try to lay back and live a little. Trying to have that joyous life yanno.

  • K is for Katriona

It’s not particularly someone I know. But, I grew very fond of the name somehow and use it as a character name for stories I wrote for my personal writing exercises.

  • L is for Lorde

Her song ‘Bravado‘ has been my jam and it is a gem.

  • M is for Mingling

I simply avoid it.

  • N is for Neighbours

It has gotten quite crowded (in a good way!)

  • O is for Opinionated

Everybody got something to say and it has been flooding every platforms.

  • P is for Praying

Lots and lots of it. Intensify it. Depended on it.

  • Q is for Quiet

In urgent need for a certain kind of quietness.

  • R is for Refuse

Rejecting outside input and only listen to mum and dad.

I have been dancing to it and I cannot stop. Please, send help.

  • T is for Trump

DOOMED. He banned innocent people out. Leaving loads of people stranded. It is basically a Muslim Ban.

  • U is for U2

giphy (1).gif

They announced a new tour on January 9th and I died. I just died. Also, I hope they let out strong statements!

  • V is for Vibes

It’s all chill.

  • W is for Women’s March

I feel so incredibly proud and happy to witness such a movement. Standing up against the so called President Trump.

  • X is for Xenophobia

It has increased in to such a worrying level that I can’t even imagine what the future would be like.

  • Y is for Yearning

I guess, everyone is yearning for help.

  • Z is for Zany

It seems like a good word to put here because I have no idea what to write for ‘Z’


I hope I can keep this up as I feel very motivated. I can’t wait to write for February!

Kya’s Birthday Note 2017

 

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17. Still going. Still here.

For the people who know me best. I think they know how sentimental I can get and how I love expressing it through the form of writing. So, here it is..
Kya’s Birthday Note 2017.

I have established a new habit regarding my birthday. Instead of celebration, I use the occasion for contemplation, gratitude and evaluation. Why? Because in truth for me, it has no particular significance. Maybe it has for some people and that’s aye okay. I will be evaluating my life for the past year. I did this for the first time last year on my 16th birthday and I look back for 15 years. Now, I look back on one. I hope to continue doing this on my birthday. This year though, I’ll receive my first ID card and for me, that’s a kind of milestone and I’ve been bragging about it for as long as my family can remember.

I’ve came home from Philippines and it has been okay. Not good, not bad. It has been normal and I have absorbed a lot in such a fairly short time. Almost a year only and it left a mark in my heart. I experienced a lot of “firsts” there. Do I miss the country? heck yeah.

As far as growth, I grew very little in height, change very little in appearance and religiously happy. Religious growth is something I have been trying to work on. Thankfully, it’s been good. Generally, I think I have experienced, learned, discovered, overjoyed, angered, worried and unbothered by a lot of things. Still progressing.

The people around me are very diverse in their background and I’m thankful. I get to observe quickly and pick up knowledge right there and then. I have been independently educated as of late and I like it very much. I worry less about the school environment, which in my own opinion is mentally unhappy and unhealthy. It helps to get out of there and enjoy the world of education on my own. Regular school is okay but, I have enough of that, thank you very much. For those who are skeptical of homeschooling, honestly, it is liberating.

I have also discovered a lot of people that I have to continue to coexist with even though I have very limited impression on them. Especially after all the things happening in this fairly okay country. But, that’s okay. Coexisting, remember?

I have always think about my future and it has gotten intense lately. Pressure from the outside prompted me to shut my doors to the point that I don’t even have doubts on only listening to two people and those are my parents. As it should be. My main focus is college for now. I have targets and I am doing my best but, the end result is up to God. I keep praying alongside everything. Truthfully, I don’t mind any results. It is what it is.

So, to sum up, I’m kind of in a place where I’m quite fairly happy. Not too much, not too little. Just fair. I’m transitioning in a way. I think we always do somehow.

Lastly, I have a series of thank yous to express so, here we go.
All praises be given to Allah SWT and His Prophet.
To mum for the best of friend, refuge, comfort and advice. To dad for patience, guidance and awful dad jokes (remember that we always laugh at you and not with you lol jk). To my brothers for arguments, wrestles, sibling inside jokes and all the Star Wars and Game of Thrones marathon. To Oma, for literally everything. To Eyang Kung & Eyang Ti for stories, sleep overs, snacks, affections and laugh. To all of my family for life, adventures and smiles. To Tiur & Uta for being my little sources of joy in the neighbourhood and for waking my inner childlike happiness. To tante Nadia  for traktiran-traktiran pas di Makati dan fangirling ga jelas wkwk.
To A from Chile, for friendship, love and everything in between. To K from New Zealand, for the colourful world of yours, skype calls, roleplays and dank memes. To MC, my big sister in Tennessee for beliefs, trust and faith in God. To P from France, for lessons and good times in the past. To KR from middle school, thanks for staying in touch. To all in the Royal Fandom for all the royally good time. To all in the U2 fandom, you and I are rock n roll. To the amazing people I befriended online, for friendship beyond borders. To my heroes: L, B, A & E for September 25 1976, music, new friends and happiness.

To all of you who read this and everybody that I have the pleasure to know in life. Thank you. Just thank you. I can say that I am very happy today.
God bless.