Bunda

Bunda

I had this on my notebook for a while now. This has been rewritten for countless of times. I hope it’s good enough.


This is about my undying love for a woman

Even though I might have broke her heart

I might have crushed them

I might have caused distraught

I hope I’m not much of an awful human being

 

 

Because I sincerely love her

I wrote this with heart and mind poured entirely

I am not the best thing to ever happen to anyone

But, I am glad that I happen to her

I am glad that I was destined to arrive on her hands

 

 

Bunda,

I am a being

Full of imperfections

But, you shaped and carved me

I don’t know why you were so determined

While you could have give up any moment

I guess that’s what made you special

 

 

This little flesh who grew into a living person

A very difficult one, that is

Has been blessed by your touch

Blessed by your care

And, my God will I ever be able to return it?

I don’t think there will come a day where

I can repay every single thing

 

 

Don’t give up on me

Don’t ever think you’re not good enough

When I cause mischief

You gave all you have, I’m just too stubborn

 

 

Sometimes being a perfect mother

Can be a little lonely

It seems like everyone around you

Turn their backs against you

While you and you alone knows best

About your own flesh

 

 

They try to stir you around

But, you refused

The amount of resistance you gave

When they try to change

Souls you have protected for years

Astonishing in my eyes

 

 

One day they will see

The things you fought relentlessly

Blossomed into something so perfectly

Their words meaningless entirely

 

 

I aspire to turn out being the woman you are

When my time has come

I know I’ll be clueless

But, I know that you’ll help me

So stay with me

We have a beautiful future ahead

 

A bond that no one

No one but, us shared

We are the only ones who understand

They try but, it’s not the same

Happy Birthday, Bunda. 

Kya’s A to Z: February

Continuing my newly founded blog post series. As I wrote it with Lorde followed by Lana del Rey singing in the background and occasionally checking Tumblr. Here it goes, the February edition of my A to Z!


  • A is for Aiming High

You all know that in this day and age, everything is possible. That’s why for the past month, I have been setting the bar high and aim for the highest possible thing I can achieve in pretty much anything. The process may not be fast enough for my liking but, time works in mysterious ways (no U2 pun intended).

  • B is for Birthday

Of course, February 2nd marks a particular day in my life. I became legal this year, according to Indonesian law. Still a kid tho. Still a kid. Pretty much still a kid.

  • C is for Chopped-off Hair

I cut my hair real short because I just feel like it but also, head over to letter ‘H’. I got my hairspiration from one of my friends online.

  • D is for Dreams

A sentence got stuck with me while I was on the road with my parents on a one fine day. We were in the car, talking about my future and all the likes. I expressed my concern regarding the matter and suddenly the sentence popped, “You’re allowed to dream as high as you can and make that happen.” Dad said that with a nod from mum. He’s got a point.

  • E is for Education

This month, for me seems to circle around the world of education. Not only because my brothers are gonna face the national examination which caused me to act as a proper sister by teaching them but, also because I need to start preparing for my own plans. Very nervewrecking.

  • F is for Facebook

I spend more and more time on it, somehow. Posted more there too. Chatted with one particular important person almost everyday when I can.

  • G is for Germany

The city of Mainz. That’s all I’m gonna say for now.

  • H is for Hair Loss

I’ve been suffering from a severe hair loss. It has not stopped. I don’t know when will it stop or how. Am I stressing out?

  • I is for Internal Motivation

Thank God, I actually gain motivation from my own self more easily now. It makes me do things with a purpose and a goal.

  • J is for Justice

We still demand justice in this country which unfortunately has not been realized by officials responsible regarding the matter. So many problems yet somehow, they don’t seem to care about finishing and/or listening to the demands of the public who wanted justice to come sooner. Even if they are indeed trying to solve things, they’re doing it recklessly with poor diplomacy and planning. Shame.

  • K is for Kerja Keras

From the Indonesian language literally translates to ‘hard work’. All of us, our family are currently working hard to achieve what we want to achieve. We are doing the best that we can do, perhaps until we reach our very last limit.

  • L is for Love

No, I’m not talking about the damn bullshit day. I just feel a lot of love centered around my environment while there’s also crisis in a more general context. But, well, love is still around.

  • M is for Major

I have been on the process of exploring my own abilities in order to decide my major in college. I have a very broad interest and I want to narrow it down a bit. I know what my choices are but, I am a very uncertain person sometimes and I want to make this very certain.

  • N is for Night Owl

Although, my parents hates it when I slept too late. I can’t help but, to be more and more of a night owl lately. I spend my time a lot in the middle of the night to read, write and study. Hope they don’t mind.

  • O is for Obligations

The obligations I have being a student has been increasing. My priority as a student is of course studying but, life planning in my opinion, is also required.

  • P is for Phone

I have been suffering from what seems like an eternal crisis. Phoneless. I tried to do more things to occupy my time (which is what I should do before too, btw). I became a bit more productive but, still I need a new phone to maximize my productivity as a human in a modern age lol.

  • Q is for Queen Elizabeth II

February 6 2017 marks the Queen’s Sapphire Jubilee. She’s the first to ever reach one! As a soft monarchist (see definition), I feel very happy to live during this historic moment!

  • R is for Realistic-Idealist

I live by the principal of being a realistic idealist and judging by my current life and things I might be dwelling in to for the past month towards the future, the words seems more and more relatable.

  • S is for Studying

Well, what more can I do to improve besides this and also praying?

  • T is for Twitter

I became an active user again and there’s that.

  • U is for yet again… 

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THEY ARE TOURING AGAIN SOON AND I WILL PROBABLY STILL BE FREAKING THE FUCK OUT FOR MONTHS.

Raincheck. Show Director Willie Williams getting ready to illuminate. #TheJoshuaTreeTour2017

A post shared by U2 Official (@u2) on

The Tree Songs … Adam

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WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. I CANNOT-

  •  V is for Very

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Very tired. Very excited. Very happy. Very disappointed. Very angry. Very determined. Very alive. Very dead. Very sad. Very still. Very hardly trying. Very demanding. Very patient. Very desperate. Very everything. Very very very very much.

  • W is for the World

What is happening? What is trending? Why am I not following. So much stuff mixed up at once. I can’t keep up and very scared???? Somehow??? Help.

  • X ….. I have no words for X
But here is Xenon: 
n. - A colorless odorless inert gaseous element occurring in the earth's atmosphere in trace amounts
  • Y is for You Know Who

Please just stop causing fights and arguments in this entire goddamn country. Stop causing such a catastrophic atmosphere in pretty much everything. There is no future here. I thought you knew better, I thought you could exercise your diplomatic specialty in such a proper manner. Well, you always show a good kind of image back in the old days. But, well, that was all for the public votes. I never chose you but, I once had hope. Now, even hoping seems kind of silly to even do. Don’t you realize that the majority of your people are displeased. I am not talking about the middle to high class society. You can’t determine the public mood by looking at them. You must look down. And down there, it is not very pleasing. Shameful. I wish things were a bit better. It is my country too after all. I have my fair share of nationalism but, all I feel is disappointment.

  • Z is for Zealots

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There are lots and lots of them here. They are all patterned with squares.

Study and Treats

You know that feeling when you just worked your ass off on something and you deserve a little break?


I have been working hard lately. Mainly studying. I am preparing myself for what’s ahead which is exams and all kinds of shit that follows it. I am still in grade 11, I got a whole year until I graduate high school and enter university. But, the efforts shall be made now.

I am still sort of floating all over the place on where should I continue my next step and what to do with all of that. Here in Indonesia or out of here and go somewhere else? Who knows, to be honest. I just do everything that seems possible. Again, who knows what will happen. We can’t really know what’s ahead of us so, why not try everything? Realistically I can say that I might not be able to do too much of something but, idealistically I have the plans set out for what I consider to be a better future out of this place.

But, anyways last night (24/02/2017) I walked home from my course. We studied history, Japan’s time in Indonesia, specifically towards the end of World War II. How the founding fathers of my nation and the youth collaborate on the efforts for our nations’s independence. To be honest with you, the Japan chapter isn’t really my favourite and I don’t really like reading about it. It’s one of my least favourite chapter in my nation’s history. I don’t know exactly why. Although, the process of how the youth encourage President Soekarno to declare our independence seems fascinating in my eyes.

Okay then, I walked home. I kept thinking about the few amount of money I have in my wallet, which is Rp. 5000 and I just kept walking until I finally entered the housing complex street and walked straight until I see the shops lining up towards the main entrance of the housing complex. I looked left to the mini market and debate whether or not I should buy something with the few amount of money I have. Because, I honestly I have been wanting to buy myself a treat for awhile. So, you guessed it, I did. I went in, went straight to the soft drinks section and inspect the prices of each items carefully. Considering, well, I basically don’t have much. I laid my eyes on a bottle of Pepsi (shameful, I know. Should have been a Coke but, it was Rp. 6000, can’t afford!) and decided to pick that up. It costed me Rp. 3500. I paid for it and receive a change of Rp. 1500. I felt good afterwards, I walked home and decided to take a rest from everything and drink my Pepsi. Treating myself to a blue bottled soda and skip off re-reading my books. Skip off studying entirely. I deserve this, I thought. I have been studying day and night (mostly at night. Dad actually doesn’t like it when I stay up too late but, well… I study better in those hours!) and I thought I deserve a little treat.

I think about how I also pushed myself, sometimes. To the point that I overthink stuff too. The other day I complained to my trustee great friend, AB while I chat with him on Facebook and told him I had a headache from my constant studying. He said I should get some rest and I basically kind of reject it, actually. My bad. Shouldn’t have done that cause he was right. I thought about how, treats for yourself are actually efficient in lifting your mood and it actually helps you through the studying hell hole.

I have never actually been too much of a studying person but, the pressure of wanting a quality education in university kind of pushed me someway. Especially since I receive a lot of input about how I should ‘study harder‘, ‘work more‘, ‘don’t play around too much‘ and all those crap. It came from several people and being the person who is easily infected as I am, I let it went through my head a little too far and felt a little down. So, I initiate it by overly pushing and telling myself that if I don’t push to do a lot, then I will fail horribly. Bad, very bad for the brain. You should note to not do that. Would lose all of your motivation in seconds, apparently.

So, what is the connection between that and the story of how I buy a bottle of Pepsi? Nothing. I just stared at that bottle last night and thought about writing rambles on my blog. In fact, this whole post seems to have no point. I just like to ramble. Ha. Classic me.

Kya’s A to Z: January

I gotta be honest. I got this idea just a day after my birthday. Although, it’s a bit late. I’m gonna try and do this monthly reviews. Challenging myself and all that crap. Right, anyways, here it goes!


  • A is for Acknowledgement

I have been acknowledged as one of the most responsive/talkative student in both my course and homeschooling institution.

  • B is for Billet-doux

I think I wrote and sent one.

  • C is for Compromise

I learned to come to terms with some things and some people.

  • D is for Dysfunctional

Some extended family problems changed the way I think forever.

  • E is for Effusion

I find myself writing a lot in a more open and heartfelt way. An outpouring of emotions, you might say.

  • F is for Father

It’s his birthday month and I wrote a poem

  • G is for The Godfather
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LOOK. AT. HIM.

I re-watched all three of the movies passionately and found myself fell in love with Al Pacino (again)

  • H is for Hectic 

It just feel like it somehow this month. I got loads of shit to do.

  • I is for Ironic

After witnessing the climate in my country (politics, arguments, etc), it just seems like a fitting word.

  • J is for Joie de Vivre

I have try to lay back and live a little. Trying to have that joyous life yanno.

  • K is for Katriona

It’s not particularly someone I know. But, I grew very fond of the name somehow and use it as a character name for stories I wrote for my personal writing exercises.

  • L is for Lorde

Her song ‘Bravado‘ has been my jam and it is a gem.

  • M is for Mingling

I simply avoid it.

  • N is for Neighbours

It has gotten quite crowded (in a good way!)

  • O is for Opinionated

Everybody got something to say and it has been flooding every platforms.

  • P is for Praying

Lots and lots of it. Intensify it. Depended on it.

  • Q is for Quiet

In urgent need for a certain kind of quietness.

  • R is for Refuse

Rejecting outside input and only listen to mum and dad.

I have been dancing to it and I cannot stop. Please, send help.

  • T is for Trump

DOOMED. He banned innocent people out. Leaving loads of people stranded. It is basically a Muslim Ban.

  • U is for U2

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They announced a new tour on January 9th and I died. I just died. Also, I hope they let out strong statements!

  • V is for Vibes

It’s all chill.

  • W is for Women’s March

I feel so incredibly proud and happy to witness such a movement. Standing up against the so called President Trump.

  • X is for Xenophobia

It has increased in to such a worrying level that I can’t even imagine what the future would be like.

  • Y is for Yearning

I guess, everyone is yearning for help.

  • Z is for Zany

It seems like a good word to put here because I have no idea what to write for ‘Z’


I hope I can keep this up as I feel very motivated. I can’t wait to write for February!

Kya’s Birthday Note 2017

 

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17. Still going. Still here.

For the people who know me best. I think they know how sentimental I can get and how I love expressing it through the form of writing. So, here it is..
Kya’s Birthday Note 2017.

I have established a new habit regarding my birthday. Instead of celebration, I use the occasion for contemplation, gratitude and evaluation. Why? Because in truth for me, it has no particular significance. Maybe it has for some people and that’s aye okay. I will be evaluating my life for the past year. I did this for the first time last year on my 16th birthday and I look back for 15 years. Now, I look back on one. I hope to continue doing this on my birthday. This year though, I’ll receive my first ID card and for me, that’s a kind of milestone and I’ve been bragging about it for as long as my family can remember.

I’ve came home from Philippines and it has been okay. Not good, not bad. It has been normal and I have absorbed a lot in such a fairly short time. Almost a year only and it left a mark in my heart. I experienced a lot of “firsts” there. Do I miss the country? heck yeah.

As far as growth, I grew very little in height, change very little in appearance and religiously happy. Religious growth is something I have been trying to work on. Thankfully, it’s been good. Generally, I think I have experienced, learned, discovered, overjoyed, angered, worried and unbothered by a lot of things. Still progressing.

The people around me are very diverse in their background and I’m thankful. I get to observe quickly and pick up knowledge right there and then. I have been independently educated as of late and I like it very much. I worry less about the school environment, which in my own opinion is mentally unhappy and unhealthy. It helps to get out of there and enjoy the world of education on my own. Regular school is okay but, I have enough of that, thank you very much. For those who are skeptical of homeschooling, honestly, it is liberating.

I have also discovered a lot of people that I have to continue to coexist with even though I have very limited impression on them. Especially after all the things happening in this fairly okay country. But, that’s okay. Coexisting, remember?

I have always think about my future and it has gotten intense lately. Pressure from the outside prompted me to shut my doors to the point that I don’t even have doubts on only listening to two people and those are my parents. As it should be. My main focus is college for now. I have targets and I am doing my best but, the end result is up to God. I keep praying alongside everything. Truthfully, I don’t mind any results. It is what it is.

So, to sum up, I’m kind of in a place where I’m quite fairly happy. Not too much, not too little. Just fair. I’m transitioning in a way. I think we always do somehow.

Lastly, I have a series of thank yous to express so, here we go.
All praises be given to Allah SWT and His Prophet.
To mum for the best of friend, refuge, comfort and advice. To dad for patience, guidance and awful dad jokes (remember that we always laugh at you and not with you lol jk). To my brothers for arguments, wrestles, sibling inside jokes and all the Star Wars and Game of Thrones marathon. To Oma, for literally everything. To Eyang Kung & Eyang Ti for stories, sleep overs, snacks, affections and laugh. To all of my family for life, adventures and smiles. To Tiur & Uta for being my little sources of joy in the neighbourhood and for waking my inner childlike happiness. To tante Nadia  for traktiran-traktiran pas di Makati dan fangirling ga jelas wkwk.
To A from Chile, for friendship, love and everything in between. To K from New Zealand, for the colourful world of yours, skype calls, roleplays and dank memes. To MC, my big sister in Tennessee for beliefs, trust and faith in God. To P from France, for lessons and good times in the past. To KR from middle school, thanks for staying in touch. To all in the Royal Fandom for all the royally good time. To all in the U2 fandom, you and I are rock n roll. To the amazing people I befriended online, for friendship beyond borders. To my heroes: L, B, A & E for September 25 1976, music, new friends and happiness.

To all of you who read this and everybody that I have the pleasure to know in life. Thank you. Just thank you. I can say that I am very happy today.
God bless.

Father

I pick up a photograph

Reminiscing all the laugh

You told me to look above

Convince myself, I am enough

 

Taught me to fight back

When they mock me

For all the things I lack

Noticing how I crack

 

My very first steps

Not an easy one

Still, forward, waited

Not a frown in sight

 

You are soft

That is your strength

Then you love

And you never left

 

For every harsh

Justifications I did

You stood with patience

Made an understanding

 

You never show

But, you always know

You create your flow

And let them follow

 

And if He decide

The time is now

I shall kneel

Head down, eyes close, weeping

 

But, as long as

Our souls remain exist

I shall try not to commit

An early exit

 

Time is mysterious

Perhaps, unpredictable

But, we shall not blame

Or make it an excuse

 

For ethereal existence

Such as yours, are rare in sight

My love, I say

Remains unconditional

 

-Happy Birthday, dad.


All poems by me are very open to your own interpretation. I, of course, have my own.
Written for and prior to my father’s birthday.

Dysfunctional: An Ode to Disappointment

 

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What was thought to be normal. In fact, dysfunctional. (Photography by: Gabriel Isak)

Sometimes

What you thought was right

What you thought was an ideal way

What you thought as a solution

Went unnoticed

Even ignored

 

All they see is how you

Struggle to make it right

Struggle to please everyone

And sadly,

They seem to think

That everything you do is a fail

 

You took a step

In each one

You planted hope

You put on faith

You made it your armour

And still,

Not enough

 

You would have to climb

The top of a horrid

Materialistic pyramid

In order to fulfill expectations

Set impossibly high

Based on standards that apply

To those who only seek

Fortune in a world

That is full of lies

That is full of false promises

 

You would have to fit

In the mainstream idea

of a complete success

Full of glimmering delight

That only last

Until your last breath

 

Idealistic thoughts

Seems to be a sin

While solely realistic perspective

Seems to be the only perfect way

But, what if realistic

Is not the answer?

What if those that seems real

Is the trap we fear?

 

We only need a little

of their trust

A little patience

A little encouragement

Not instead,

Frontally belittled

 

The initial impression

of love and compassion

Turns out to be a mask

Full of distrust and betrayal

Sparking an anger within

A rage waiting to be unleashed

 

What was thought to be normal

In fact, dysfunctional


All poems by me are very open to your own interpretation. I, of course, have my own.
Written on 1 January 2017. 22:09 PM, with anger.