Jogjakarta: Bagian Hidup Saya

Jogjakarta: Bagian Hidup Saya

Jika seseorang bertanya pada saya tentang hal apa yang paling berkesan dalam hidup saya, saya akan menjawab: “Perjalanan saya pertama kali ke Jogja.” Mengapa? Karena di situ saya pertama kali merasakan bagaimana rasa takjub pada suatu tempat dan pada cerita dibalik tempat tersebut. Saya merasakan hal yang tak biasa yang sebelumnya belum pernah saya rasakan di tempat-tempat lain. Jogjakarta meninggalkan sebuah kesan yang mendalam bagi seorang anak perempuan yang selalu ingin tahu.

2013. Saya adalah seorang anak perempuan yang berumur 13 tahun. Telah merencanakan sebuah perjalanan liburan dengan keluarganya yang awalnya hanya sekedar jalan-jalan biasa. Kali ini, kami memutuskan untuk pergi ke Jogjakarta. “Ayah! Bunda! Aku pengen ke Kraton. Aku pengen liat aslinya gimana!” Itulah motivasi awal saya untuk menginjakkan kaki di Jogjakarta. Sebagai seorang pecinta sejarah kerajaan yang mempelajari sendiri apa yang harus dipelajarinya, saya merasa ketertarikan saya tidak terpenuhi jika saya tidak mencari tau lebih dalam mengenai Kraton Jogjakarta, keluarga yang berada di dalamnya dan kota Jogjakarta itu sendiri.

Kami sekeluarga pergi ke Kraton didampingi seorang tour guide. Saya menyimak apa saja yang beliau jelaskan dan ketika itu saya merasa seperti seseorang yang baru saja menemukan sesuatu yang baru, yang belum pernah dirasakan sebelumnya. Ketertarikan saya dengan dunia kerajaan, monarki dan aristokrasi membentuk saya untuk menghargai sejarah dan seluruh detil informasi yang bisa saya dapatkan saat ini. Ketika saya menginjakkan kaki di Kraton, perasaan itu muncul. Perasaan untuk menghargai dan melindungi sebuah aset sejarah berharga yang bisa dibilang sentimental untuk saya.

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Saya (kedua dari kanan) dan keluarga di Kraton Jogjakarta. ©Kya Hill / 2013.

Kraton adalah salah satu contoh yang memperlihatkan betapa kayanya Jogja dengan nilai sejarah yang kental yang sampai sekarang masih dipertahankan. Sebagai bagian dari generasi muda, saya sangat bersyukur karena kita masih mempunyai Jogja. Masih mempunyai sebuah daerah istimewa yang penuh dengan cerita. Sebuah daerah yang membuat saya merasa menjadi Jogja, menjadi Indonesia. Ketika saya menginjakkan kaki di dalamnya, saya merasa seperti ada di rumah kedua saya. Saya merasa seperti berada di tempat yang seharusnya saya berada.

Dari hobi dan ketertarikan saya pada dunia kerajaan, monarki dan aristokrasi, saya mendapat banyak teman dari luar negeri yang mempunyai ketertarikan yang sama. Kami bertukar wawasan, berdiskusi dan menyampaikan informasi-informasi penting seputar topik favorit kami semua. Saya selalu dengan bangga mempromosikan sebuah Kesultanan yang unik di sebuah Daerah Istimewa. Saya menjelaskan semua secara detil berdasarkan hal-hal yang saya ketahui. Tak jarang, banyak teman bule yang takjub dengan hal ini.

Mereka semua antusias, bertanya berbagai macam hal. Mulai dari protokol, istana, anggota kerajaan, apa kepentingan dari pakaian yang di pakai serta hal-hal lainnya. Saya akui, kadang saya membutuhkan bantuan pencarian informasi cepat di Google untuk kemudian saya ambil poin pentingnya dan dijelaskan lebih dalam lagi pada teman-teman saya yang rata-rata berasal dari Eropa yang sudah tidak asing lagi dengan sebuah monarki atau kerajaan. Saya bangga bisa mempunyai ‘bahan pamer’ sendiri. Mereka punya London, yang lain punya Copenhagen, tak mau kalah yang lainnya punya Stockholm. Saya punya Jogjakarta.

Jogjakarta dengan segala keistimewaannya, dengan segala daya tariknya. Berhasil merebut hati saya dan menetapkannya di sana. Seperti yang orang-orang bilang, “I left my heart in Jogjakarta.” Saya meninggalkan sebagian diri saya di Jogjakarta. Kesan saya terhadap daerah yang istimewa ini akan selalu terkenang di dalam hidup saya sebagai sebuah pengalaman pertama saya, seorang anak perempuan yang ingin tahu yang akhirnya jatuh cinta.

Saya merasa, tidak ada daerah lain yang lebih unik, lebih istimewa, lebih kaya dan beragam serta lebih mengesankan dari Jogjakarta. Karena hingga saat ini, saya selalu ingin kembali lagi, lagi dan lagi. Saya ingin terbawa dengan suasananya yang seakan-akan mengundang saya untuk mencari tahu lebih dalam lagi, lebih jauh lagi dan terus menggali segala informasi yang bisa saya dapatkan.

Saya mencintai Jogjakarta dari awal saya menginjakkan kaki saya di sana. Saya mencintai Jogjakarta karena hanya di sana, saya merasakan ketakjuban yang luar biasa. Di sana saya mengerti arti dari menjaga, menghargai dan mencintai sejarah.

Jogjakarta adalah bagian hidup saya.

“Kota kita tidak memerlukan kata pujian yang berlebihan. Dia hanya perlu sentuhan kasih dari hati nurani kita.”

-Sri Sultan Hamengkubuwono X

FAQ: “Why did you get homeschooled?”

FAQ: “Why did you get homeschooled?”

I have been observing how people start a conversation with me lately. I can point out the majority of the questions they gave out because each time I start a conversation with someone I don’t regularly talk to, I always keep in mind the first question they ask with a previous knowledge of my current conditions.

Number one is “Where do you go to school now?” which follows with “Oh? You’re homeschooled? How’s that like?” which leads to “Which one do you like better? Regular or homeschooled?” It’s always the same thing over and over. I can almost guarantee the pattern. It’s the same with one of the things people keep repeating upon seeing me, “Wow! You look so much like your father!” or “You are your father in a girl form!” I swear if I get a dollar every time someone mentions that, I would be so rich right now.

Anyways, I always answer to the earlier question pattern with. “I’m homeschooled. It’s liberating. I like it better.” Most of them would show the face of “what? you don’t feel like it’s not normal? what are you doing with your life just staying at home?” And you can see it clearly. It’s the movement of nodding with slightly curled lips and squinting eyes with a sense of pretentious acceptance. Although, realistically,  they are actually doubting if what I do is good or not.

To be honest, it’s pretty relative. I am the kinda person who loves doing things the way I want it to be done. I like rules but, only to keep me structured. I don’t like rules when I find them illogical and has nothing to do with the importance of learning which I find a lot in regular school at least the ones I know or attended. I love studying, I love learning but, I don’t like the dictating nature of an institution which I found to be quite useless. I know that every place has its own regulations and so on but, I know myself enough to believe that I can adapt to it quite smoothly. Because that’s just who I am. I adapt and I am aware of that. Sure, I can be shy at first but, once I found the chance, I shot right out. So, I have no worries at all.

“But, don’t you feel like you’re missing out on the high school shenanigans?” To be honest with you, no. Not at all. That’s what I have been avoiding, to be honest. High school can be stressful and the peer pressure is quite intense whether you realise it or not. I just don’t want any part of it. And I realise that I focused more by doing this. I may seem like I am not doing anything which, technically a little bit true. But, I found myself to be liberated in my ways of studying. I feel like I can absorb more of the stuff I want by excluding the unnecessary element of regular high school. Plus, I can study whenever however I want. No freaking pressure whatsoever.

“Do you still have any friends?” Why of course, I do. I’m not some lone weirdo who’s afraid of people. I am a people-oriented person. I love talking to people and interact with people. I love observing them and I love learning about them as well as them learning about me. So yes, of course. I maintain my friends and select a few I am really interested in. So, no. I am not lonely or anything. Fyi, I really love attention so, if I don’t have many people to attract with, I would probably be stressed out by now but, I’m fine.

“Don’t you miss regular school?” What? The place where I feel like I hate myself the most? Nah. I just feel like waking up early in the morning every day just to go to a place where I loathe myself is not something I am attracted to do once more. I just feel like I have never been appreciated for what I have and rather be defined for the things I lack in. No matter how many achievements, how many things I did brilliantly in the things I excel in, they won’t recognise that as me. But, when I do horribly on the things I lack the ability in, they would remind me continuously in a subtle way that I am horrible and I am not good enough.  Recognition is needed sometimes. I want that recognition, it’s nice to feel recognised for your abilities and what you’re good at. They never allow me to have that, they always define me for the things I lack. So, no. I am traumatized and I would avoid going back. I was offered to continue my studies in reg-school but, I decline. I won’t sacrifice my freedom only to let me hate myself again over and over. I am lucky that I can handle it quite well. If not, who knows what might happen to me.

So, why exactly did I get homeschooled?

  1. Conditions: When the decision was made, I just got back from the Philippines and my parents gave us (brothers and I) options.
  2. My Own Will: I want and crave change.
  3. Mental Stability: I want to focus on my well being.
  4. Time: I want to feel like I have time and not running out of time.
  5. Living: I want to feel like I am living again.

This may sound so extra but, I am just being honest. Truth be told. Because I am just so tired of people asking questions and giving me looks over the things I do like it’s their business. So, why not just share it. This is the space for it, anyway. Plus, an expressive person like I am always have something to say and always need an outlet to say something.

Keep living your best life.

Lots of love,

kkkkkk

 

Breathe

Breathe

17 July. Morning. 10 PM or so. On my laptop. Mum & grandmum just got home from the doctors. The verdict.

Have you ever felt like you just want to do everything you can but, you just can’t so the only thing you can say is, “It’s okay. It will pass.” Even though it sounds so pathetic?

Have you ever felt like everything will be okay but, just now you realised it’s bullshit?

Have you ever felt so useless?

That’s how I feel. I have been on the verge of a breakdown ever since I found out my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with a stroke. Early. But, that doesn’t mean she’s easily safe. Don’t let the words “Minor Stroke” & “Light Stroke” fooled you. Cause it’s actually more serious than that. That’s what people seem to think when they hear ‘minor’ and ‘light’ like it’s no big deal. But, it actually is. It’s like they can’t accept the fact that shit’s about to go down.

You know what pisses me off so much? The fact that I can’t do more than just help around with little things like doing chores more often or saying repeatedly to her that “It’s okay” even though I’m scared to fucking death about the prospect of her in pain. The fact that people kept saying that “it will be fine”, “things are gonna happen the way it’s gonna happen” and all those crap like they know shit. Fuck. I know, things are gonna be fine and that it will happen the way it was meant to happen. But, I just don’t want to hear that. I just need a chance to feel sad and let it all out. Aren’t you allowed to feel that way?

I really hate the fact that I can’t do things like I wish I could. I hate the fact that some people have the audacity to assume before they even see carefully for themselves on what my family’s dealing with. How this is unfair for my grandmother who has done EVERYTHING. How it is pissing the fuck out of me that some people just can’t get the fuck out of their worldly ambitions and care only about materialistic things. How it is destroying me, knowing the fact that certain people who you once thought are the closest, turns out to be sadistic-arrogant pricks that you hate to have interactions with or even see. How it is mentally draining me to live knowing that my loved ones are suffering, physically, mentally, emotionally, every-fucking-thing you can imagine. How it is extremely raging inside me, knowing that now my family’s at the bottom of the wheel, struggling, some people suddenly became blind, deaf and all out judging like they actually know what is it that we are dealing with. I just want to see, if they were in our position, would they kill themselves or not, knowing for a fact that they’re always been ‘on top’.

I just had enough. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t here. Sometimes, I wish I had disappeared. Sometimes, I wish I just fell on a long sleep. Sometimes, I wish I can slap the faces of those who shit on my family. Sometimes, I just want to spit on their faces. Sometimes, I just sit and act like everything’s fine and I am that smiling, laughing, confident Kya everyone knows. Sometimes, I just want it to end. Sometimes, I just want to breathe.

I just want a chance to breathe. Breathe like there’s nothing I need to worry about. Breathe like there’s nothing on my head. Breathe like I wasn’t on the verge of losing all my grip. Breathe like tomorrow’s just another peaceful day. Breathe. Just fucking breathe.

The woman I look up to says she felt alone. I understand her. I cannot feel what she felt but, I understand how she got there. I can’t say anything because there isn’t much to say. Sometimes, just listening already gave the nod. The only thing I can do is exist and I hope that is enough. I want to be able to also sustain, so that feeling of being alone doesn’t crush her. I should never allow such thing to happen.

All I have in my head is the motivation to make myself and all the people I truly, sincerely care about; Happy. That’s all I ever want. I have ambitions, I have dreams and the reason why I have dreams is because of the people that I love the most. I want to make them proud. People say we shouldn’t rely on on opinions of others. But, I always rejected that. Because there are the opinions of 5 people that really matters to me and everything I do is because of them. One of them is currently suffering after a recent diagnosis like I stated earlier and that really is a blow for me.

And again, all I ever wanted to do is breathe.

Just. Fucking. Breathe.

Welcoming Eid!

Welcoming Eid!

Well, it’s almost the end of Ramadan! Which is bittersweet for most of us Muslims. The month truly is something else. But, that’s a different topic.

This is the second to last day of fasting during the Ramadan (Friday) which means, Sunday is Eid! Our holiday and celebration! It’s kinda like Christmas (it’s actually different but, in terms of celebrating, I guess the analogy could work. I just really don’t have time to explain).

On the day of Eid, we have our breakfast first because it is obligatory then we prepped up to go to the Masjid to perform Eid prayers. After that, my family usually got together (my grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousin) in my paternal grandparents’ house. We spend some time there (doing the traditional Indonesian ‘ceremony’ of sungkeman & have a feast) before heading back home to welcome guests from my mother’s side of the family because my maternal grandmother is now the oldest elderly person in the family. Oh, yeah, that’s another tradition in Indonesia. You get together in the house of the eldest person in your family (grandparents usually). We have another feast in my house for those bunch of fams.

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The fam during Eid last year (dad took the pic)

Then, there’s the food. My oh my, THE FOOD. It’s honestly the best thing besides socializing (gosh do we have enouuuughhh of that already in our livesss). My family has this tradition of making a traditional Manadonese/Sulawesi cake called Brudel. I love that cake so much man you have no idea. For me, Eid is not complete without that cake. Sure, Indonesians have this tradition of making Eid cookies and yeah they’re great too (I can single-handedly eat 20 of those) but, nothing beats Brudel. Nope, nada.

Usually, the first day of Eid ends with us feeling full because imagine getting used to fasting for a month then BOOM! All you can eat! We would also visit some relatives and went to the cemetery to visit my maternal grandfather’s grave sometime between the third to fifth day of the holiday because of tradition and why the heck not. I never met my maternal grandpa when he was alive cause he died before I was born so the only place I can ‘meet’ grandpa is at the cemetery. Sounds spooky but, I can feel his presence there whenever we visit.

Anyways, I’m writing this because I am just so excited about Eid. It is our celebration and Muslims all over the world celebrated on the same day! (or not because you know, timezonesss).

I hope you all have a blessed Eid, spend some proper time with your family and just soak up all the positive that’s gonna come your way.

Life’s too short. This year might be your last Ramadan.

Love always,

kkkkkk

Study and Treats

You know that feeling when you just worked your ass off on something and you deserve a little break?


I have been working hard lately. Mainly studying. I am preparing myself for what’s ahead which is exams and all kinds of shit that follows it. I am still in grade 11, I got a whole year until I graduate high school and enter university. But, the efforts shall be made now.

I am still sort of floating all over the place on where should I continue my next step and what to do with all of that. Here in Indonesia or out of here and go somewhere else? Who knows, to be honest. I just do everything that seems possible. Again, who knows what will happen. We can’t really know what’s ahead of us so, why not try everything? Realistically I can say that I might not be able to do too much of something but, idealistically I have the plans set out for what I consider to be a better future out of this place.

But, anyways last night (24/02/2017) I walked home from my course. We studied history, Japan’s time in Indonesia, specifically towards the end of World War II. How the founding fathers of my nation and the youth collaborate on the efforts for our nations’s independence. To be honest with you, the Japan chapter isn’t really my favourite and I don’t really like reading about it. It’s one of my least favourite chapter in my nation’s history. I don’t know exactly why. Although, the process of how the youth encourage President Soekarno to declare our independence seems fascinating in my eyes.

Okay then, I walked home. I kept thinking about the few amount of money I have in my wallet, which is Rp. 5000 and I just kept walking until I finally entered the housing complex street and walked straight until I see the shops lining up towards the main entrance of the housing complex. I looked left to the mini market and debate whether or not I should buy something with the few amount of money I have. Because, I honestly I have been wanting to buy myself a treat for awhile. So, you guessed it, I did. I went in, went straight to the soft drinks section and inspect the prices of each items carefully. Considering, well, I basically don’t have much. I laid my eyes on a bottle of Pepsi (shameful, I know. Should have been a Coke but, it was Rp. 6000, can’t afford!) and decided to pick that up. It costed me Rp. 3500. I paid for it and receive a change of Rp. 1500. I felt good afterwards, I walked home and decided to take a rest from everything and drink my Pepsi. Treating myself to a blue bottled soda and skip off re-reading my books. Skip off studying entirely. I deserve this, I thought. I have been studying day and night (mostly at night. Dad actually doesn’t like it when I stay up too late but, well… I study better in those hours!) and I thought I deserve a little treat.

I think about how I also pushed myself, sometimes. To the point that I overthink stuff too. The other day I complained to my trustee great friend, AB while I chat with him on Facebook and told him I had a headache from my constant studying. He said I should get some rest and I basically kind of reject it, actually. My bad. Shouldn’t have done that cause he was right. I thought about how, treats for yourself are actually efficient in lifting your mood and it actually helps you through the studying hell hole.

I have never actually been too much of a studying person but, the pressure of wanting a quality education in university kind of pushed me someway. Especially since I receive a lot of input about how I should ‘study harder‘, ‘work more‘, ‘don’t play around too much‘ and all those crap. It came from several people and being the person who is easily infected as I am, I let it went through my head a little too far and felt a little down. So, I initiate it by overly pushing and telling myself that if I don’t push to do a lot, then I will fail horribly. Bad, very bad for the brain. You should note to not do that. Would lose all of your motivation in seconds, apparently.

So, what is the connection between that and the story of how I buy a bottle of Pepsi? Nothing. I just stared at that bottle last night and thought about writing rambles on my blog. In fact, this whole post seems to have no point. I just like to ramble. Ha. Classic me.

Kya’s Birthday Note 2017

 

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17. Still going. Still here.

For the people who know me best. I think they know how sentimental I can get and how I love expressing it through the form of writing. So, here it is..
Kya’s Birthday Note 2017.

I have established a new habit regarding my birthday. Instead of celebration, I use the occasion for contemplation, gratitude and evaluation. Why? Because in truth for me, it has no particular significance. Maybe it has for some people and that’s aye okay. I will be evaluating my life for the past year. I did this for the first time last year on my 16th birthday and I look back for 15 years. Now, I look back on one. I hope to continue doing this on my birthday. This year though, I’ll receive my first ID card and for me, that’s a kind of milestone and I’ve been bragging about it for as long as my family can remember.

I’ve came home from Philippines and it has been okay. Not good, not bad. It has been normal and I have absorbed a lot in such a fairly short time. Almost a year only and it left a mark in my heart. I experienced a lot of “firsts” there. Do I miss the country? heck yeah.

As far as growth, I grew very little in height, change very little in appearance and religiously happy. Religious growth is something I have been trying to work on. Thankfully, it’s been good. Generally, I think I have experienced, learned, discovered, overjoyed, angered, worried and unbothered by a lot of things. Still progressing.

The people around me are very diverse in their background and I’m thankful. I get to observe quickly and pick up knowledge right there and then. I have been independently educated as of late and I like it very much. I worry less about the school environment, which in my own opinion is mentally unhappy and unhealthy. It helps to get out of there and enjoy the world of education on my own. Regular school is okay but, I have enough of that, thank you very much. For those who are skeptical of homeschooling, honestly, it is liberating.

I have also discovered a lot of people that I have to continue to coexist with even though I have very limited impression on them. Especially after all the things happening in this fairly okay country. But, that’s okay. Coexisting, remember?

I have always think about my future and it has gotten intense lately. Pressure from the outside prompted me to shut my doors to the point that I don’t even have doubts on only listening to two people and those are my parents. As it should be. My main focus is college for now. I have targets and I am doing my best but, the end result is up to God. I keep praying alongside everything. Truthfully, I don’t mind any results. It is what it is.

So, to sum up, I’m kind of in a place where I’m quite fairly happy. Not too much, not too little. Just fair. I’m transitioning in a way. I think we always do somehow.

Lastly, I have a series of thank yous to express so, here we go.
All praises be given to Allah SWT and His Prophet.
To mum for the best of friend, refuge, comfort and advice. To dad for patience, guidance and awful dad jokes (remember that we always laugh at you and not with you lol jk). To my brothers for arguments, wrestles, sibling inside jokes and all the Star Wars and Game of Thrones marathon. To Oma, for literally everything. To Eyang Kung & Eyang Ti for stories, sleep overs, snacks, affections and laugh. To all of my family for life, adventures and smiles. To Tiur & Uta for being my little sources of joy in the neighbourhood and for waking my inner childlike happiness. To tante Nadia  for traktiran-traktiran pas di Makati dan fangirling ga jelas wkwk.
To A from Chile, for friendship, love and everything in between. To K from New Zealand, for the colourful world of yours, skype calls, roleplays and dank memes. To MC, my big sister in Tennessee for beliefs, trust and faith in God. To P from France, for lessons and good times in the past. To KR from middle school, thanks for staying in touch. To all in the Royal Fandom for all the royally good time. To all in the U2 fandom, you and I are rock n roll. To the amazing people I befriended online, for friendship beyond borders. To my heroes: L, B, A & E for September 25 1976, music, new friends and happiness.

To all of you who read this and everybody that I have the pleasure to know in life. Thank you. Just thank you. I can say that I am very happy today.
God bless.

Father

I pick up a photograph

Reminiscing all the laugh

You told me to look above

Convince myself, I am enough

 

Taught me to fight back

When they mock me

For all the things I lack

Noticing how I crack

 

My very first steps

Not an easy one

Still, forward, waited

Not a frown in sight

 

You are soft

That is your strength

Then you love

And you never left

 

For every harsh

Justifications I did

You stood with patience

Made an understanding

 

You never show

But, you always know

You create your flow

And let them follow

 

And if He decide

The time is now

I shall kneel

Head down, eyes close, weeping

 

But, as long as

Our souls remain exist

I shall try not to commit

An early exit

 

Time is mysterious

Perhaps, unpredictable

But, we shall not blame

Or make it an excuse

 

For ethereal existence

Such as yours, are rare in sight

My love, I say

Remains unconditional

 

-Happy Birthday, dad.


All poems by me are very open to your own interpretation. I, of course, have my own.
Written for and prior to my father’s birthday.