I have been observing how people start a conversation with me lately. I can point out the majority of the questions they gave out because each time I start a conversation with someone I don’t regularly talk to, I always keep in mind the first question they ask with a previous knowledge of my current conditions.
Number one is “Where do you go to school now?” which follows with “Oh? You’re homeschooled? How’s that like?” which leads to “Which one do you like better? Regular or homeschooled?” It’s always the same thing over and over. I can almost guarantee the pattern. It’s the same with one of the things people keep repeating upon seeing me, “Wow! You look so much like your father!” or “You are your father in a girl form!” I swear if I get a dollar every time someone mentions that, I would be so rich right now.
Anyways, I always answer to the earlier question pattern with. “I’m homeschooled. It’s liberating. I like it better.” Most of them would show the face of “what? you don’t feel like it’s not normal? what are you doing with your life just staying at home?” And you can see it clearly. It’s the movement of nodding with slightly curled lips and squinting eyes with a sense of pretentious acceptance. Although, realistically, they are actually doubting if what I do is good or not.
To be honest, it’s pretty relative. I am the kinda person who loves doing things the way I want it to be done. I like rules but, only to keep me structured. I don’t like rules when I find them illogical and has nothing to do with the importance of learning which I find a lot in regular school at least the ones I know or attended. I love studying, I love learning but, I don’t like the dictating nature of an institution which I found to be quite useless. I know that every place has its own regulations and so on but, I know myself enough to believe that I can adapt to it quite smoothly. Because that’s just who I am. I adapt and I am aware of that. Sure, I can be shy at first but, once I found the chance, I shot right out. So, I have no worries at all.
“But, don’t you feel like you’re missing out on the high school shenanigans?” To be honest with you, no. Not at all. That’s what I have been avoiding, to be honest. High school can be stressful and the peer pressure is quite intense whether you realise it or not. I just don’t want any part of it. And I realise that I focused more by doing this. I may seem like I am not doing anything which, technically a little bit true. But, I found myself to be liberated in my ways of studying. I feel like I can absorb more of the stuff I want by excluding the unnecessary element of regular high school. Plus, I can study whenever however I want. No freaking pressure whatsoever.
“Do you still have any friends?” Why of course, I do. I’m not some lone weirdo who’s afraid of people. I am a people-oriented person. I love talking to people and interact with people. I love observing them and I love learning about them as well as them learning about me. So yes, of course. I maintain my friends and select a few I am really interested in. So, no. I am not lonely or anything. Fyi, I really love attention so, if I don’t have many people to attract with, I would probably be stressed out by now but, I’m fine.
“Don’t you miss regular school?” What? The place where I feel like I hate myself the most? Nah. I just feel like waking up early in the morning every day just to go to a place where I loathe myself is not something I am attracted to do once more. I just feel like I have never been appreciated for what I have and rather be defined for the things I lack in. No matter how many achievements, how many things I did brilliantly in the things I excel in, they won’t recognise that as me. But, when I do horribly on the things I lack the ability in, they would remind me continuously in a subtle way that I am horrible and I am not good enough. Recognition is needed sometimes. I want that recognition, it’s nice to feel recognised for your abilities and what you’re good at. They never allow me to have that, they always define me for the things I lack. So, no. I am traumatized and I would avoid going back. I was offered to continue my studies in reg-school but, I decline. I won’t sacrifice my freedom only to let me hate myself again over and over. I am lucky that I can handle it quite well. If not, who knows what might happen to me.
So, why exactly did I get homeschooled?
- Conditions: When the decision was made, I just got back from the Philippines and my parents gave us (brothers and I) options.
- My Own Will: I want and crave change.
- Mental Stability: I want to focus on my well being.
- Time: I want to feel like I have time and not running out of time.
- Living: I want to feel like I am living again.
This may sound so extra but, I am just being honest. Truth be told. Because I am just so tired of people asking questions and giving me looks over the things I do like it’s their business. So, why not just share it. This is the space for it, anyway. Plus, an expressive person like I am always have something to say and always need an outlet to say something.
Keep living your best life.
Lots of love,