17 July. Morning. 10 PM or so. On my laptop. Mum & grandmum just got home from the doctors. The verdict.
Have you ever felt like you just want to do everything you can but, you just can’t so the only thing you can say is, “It’s okay. It will pass.” Even though it sounds so pathetic?
Have you ever felt like everything will be okay but, just now you realised it’s bullshit?
Have you ever felt so useless?
That’s how I feel. I have been on the verge of a breakdown ever since I found out my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with a stroke. Early. But, that doesn’t mean she’s easily safe. Don’t let the words “Minor Stroke” & “Light Stroke” fooled you. Cause it’s actually more serious than that. That’s what people seem to think when they hear ‘minor’ and ‘light’ like it’s no big deal. But, it actually is. It’s like they can’t accept the fact that shit’s about to go down.
You know what pisses me off so much? The fact that I can’t do more than just help around with little things like doing chores more often or saying repeatedly to her that “It’s okay” even though I’m scared to fucking death about the prospect of her in pain. The fact that people kept saying that “it will be fine”, “things are gonna happen the way it’s gonna happen” and all those crap like they know shit. Fuck. I know, things are gonna be fine and that it will happen the way it was meant to happen. But, I just don’t want to hear that. I just need a chance to feel sad and let it all out. Aren’t you allowed to feel that way?
I really hate the fact that I can’t do things like I wish I could. I hate the fact that some people have the audacity to assume before they even see carefully for themselves on what my family’s dealing with. How this is unfair for my grandmother who has done EVERYTHING. How it is pissing the fuck out of me that some people just can’t get the fuck out of their worldly ambitions and care only about materialistic things. How it is destroying me, knowing the fact that certain people who you once thought are the closest, turns out to be sadistic-arrogant pricks that you hate to have interactions with or even see. How it is mentally draining me to live knowing that my loved ones are suffering, physically, mentally, emotionally, every-fucking-thing you can imagine. How it is extremely raging inside me, knowing that now my family’s at the bottom of the wheel, struggling, some people suddenly became blind, deaf and all out judging like they actually know what is it that we are dealing with. I just want to see, if they were in our position, would they kill themselves or not, knowing for a fact that they’re always been ‘on top’.
I just had enough. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t here. Sometimes, I wish I had disappeared. Sometimes, I wish I just fell on a long sleep. Sometimes, I wish I can slap the faces of those who shit on my family. Sometimes, I just want to spit on their faces. Sometimes, I just sit and act like everything’s fine and I am that smiling, laughing, confident Kya everyone knows. Sometimes, I just want it to end. Sometimes, I just want to breathe.
I just want a chance to breathe. Breathe like there’s nothing I need to worry about. Breathe like there’s nothing on my head. Breathe like I wasn’t on the verge of losing all my grip. Breathe like tomorrow’s just another peaceful day. Breathe. Just fucking breathe.
The woman I look up to says she felt alone. I understand her. I cannot feel what she felt but, I understand how she got there. I can’t say anything because there isn’t much to say. Sometimes, just listening already gave the nod. The only thing I can do is exist and I hope that is enough. I want to be able to also sustain, so that feeling of being alone doesn’t crush her. I should never allow such thing to happen.
All I have in my head is the motivation to make myself and all the people I truly, sincerely care about; Happy. That’s all I ever want. I have ambitions, I have dreams and the reason why I have dreams is because of the people that I love the most. I want to make them proud. People say we shouldn’t rely on on opinions of others. But, I always rejected that. Because there are the opinions of 5 people that really matters to me and everything I do is because of them. One of them is currently suffering after a recent diagnosis like I stated earlier and that really is a blow for me.
And again, all I ever wanted to do is breathe.
Just. Fucking. Breathe.