It’s been a while since I first get my arse out in this world. I’ve lived for 15 years and I’m about to experience the 16th.
So, I thought.. why not reflect on life so far? It’s mainly because I love writing my thoughts up somewhere and boost my ego (boo hoo). No, just kidding. I just wanna look back. Because your past life is a good reference to move on to your future. It really is.
Also, this is going to be a long post because I really pour my heart out into it. So, yeah, just a heads up to you.
Well… 15 years is not much to be honest. If you wanna compare it to my grandparents, who has lived what I would say quite an interesting life and I always love to hear their stories, all 3 of them (for those of you who don’t know, I grew up with 2 grandmothers and a grandfather. My mum’s dad passed away while she was pregnant with me).
But, in all fairness, 15 years also brought up so many experience. I honestly wonder what would the next 15 years bring? Will I get to live a life I have always dreamed of? Will I get to have a family of my own? Will I find someone that I get to share my life with? Will I get to do something that I thoroughly enjoy?
It’s all fascinating to wonder.
Being 16 kind of makes me think more about life. This is literally my last year of being a kid. According to Indonesian law, in 2017, I will be a legal adult. How scary and cool is that?
Scary? Why scary? I don’t know.. it’s just kind of weird to grow up although it’s bound to happen. You’ll be faced with all sorts of things whether you’re ready or not and life can kick you straight up in your face. But, it’s also cool cause for the first time you get to enjoy having that identity for yourself, you know? Sort of having that “I am an adult” thing on your shoulder. Knowing that you’re your own self now, is kind of a weirdly satisfying thing. I don’t know if other people feel like this but, I honestly do. Well, it’s also the age where things are kind of uncertain. You are expected to act like an adult yet at the same time being treated like a kid. So, it’s kind of a challenge.
Living a life as Kya for 15 years has been really great. I would rate it 9 out of 10, hahaha. Cause you still got shit going on that you hate so, I wouldn’t rate it a perfect 10. And, then again.. no one’s life is perfect. But, life has more meaning than just making it perfect. It’s not gonna be so fun if its “too perfect”. It’s just gonna be plain. We need a bit of bumpy roads and a fall down the hill in life sometimes. It gave us something to learn and on top of that, experience. People’s experiences may varies but, each one of them is unique. So live your life in pursuit of new experiences. You might be so surprised of what you find out and it’s definitely gonna leave a mark on you. Set yourself to discover!
I’ve learned so many things, both the good and the bad. I take it all as a lesson. I’ve learned that puberty is a never ending roller coaster and at times, confusing as well as exciting. I get to learn a lot about myself physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, romantically, religiously… whatever the hell.. the point is, I discover new things and it’s great.
I found out that my brother can physically dwarfed me. I am no longer the tallest sibling and, I have to say, I unwillingly give that title up. I’m still pissed that I am now considered short.
I found out that it’s okay for being selfish at times. You don’t have to give everything to everyone. Sometimes you have to give everything for yourself. Giving your attention to people is great but, sometimes the only person you have to give your full attention to is yourself. And being selfish about that is okay. Because, when you give too much of yourself to people, it will drain you. And even though you kind of feel like you did something, you won’t be too happy. Because you let yourself get consumed. That is not healthy for yourself.
I learn that my parents can be my best friends too and that I don’t have to share things to other people all the time. I have them and sharing things to them, even the things that are personal is okay. Of course you have the breaks and you determine what to share because that is for you to control but, other than that… go on, share to your parents.
I discover that I have a will to speak for my own opinions and I, apparently, have no problem to rebel against the authority if it’s necessary. I found out that I do like to speak out if there’s something wrong and I don’t care who I’m up against, if it’s wrong, it’s wrong. I like to debate but, over things that matters. I love discovering new things. I love learning about history so much, I would say I am fascinated. I am passionate to things I chose to be passionate with. I ignore the things I consider not important. I do things that I enjoy and I leave out things that I hate. I start to live life the way I want it. I start to do things for me and not because people say how it should be. It’s great!
Oh and I also learn that being attracted to a guy can be amazing and wonderful and also draining and saddening all in the same time. I guess it’s normal cause teens and their silly love life.. it’s just the way it is. I have been asked by a few guys to go out and such (and if my parents read this… yeah, I don’t tell you because I don’t feel it’s important, sooooo….).
And, although I must say I am flattered and kind of curious to know how it feels like to have a boyfriend and such.. I still say no. Mainly because inside, I still enjoy being on my own. Plus, do I really need a boyfriend right now? Is it necessary? No. So, chill. Love life is the last thing I need right now. I’m so comfortable sleeping all day, I can’t be bothered in sharing my attention to a dude lol (that may/will change, though). I see people my age being so lost with their so called “love life” and they ended up stressing out over something that doesn’t even matter in the first place. That ended up resulting to them, not being able to enjoy their teenage life. Of course, I can learn from watching them and I have decided that it’s kind of a waste of time. I wouldn’t say that I would shield myself from the world of dating and stuff but, I wouldn’t take it too seriously. I mean, if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, they should be there to support you and make you happy instead of draining you. Isn’t that more logical? If your relationship doesn’t make you happy then you got some major problem, honestly. (woop woop Kya is trying to be deep~)
I have also realized how powerful the influence my family have on me like.. honestly, I got some standards when it comes to men (uh-oh!) and just now, I have been thinking about it, I realize how similar it is to how my dad is or my brothers are. Like, if a guy isn’t that close to those examples I would back off and I would look at them, literally, in disgust. In my mind I would think, “what a f*****g loser.” Oopsies. My brain did that. Hahaha.
Some major change happened in my life too. I get to move out from Indonesia in August 2015. I move to the Philippines and it is honestly great. I have to be honest, it is my first time living abroad and I was so excited by everything because that’s a new experience. Some people say I should just chill out but, no, I can’t. I have never experience this kind of thing before and it’s quite extraordinary. That is how I feel about it, honestly. And I also start wearing hijab here and I’ve never felt so happy ever since I start wearing it. It’s so great and I know there are many people out there who think that women who wear hijab are oppressed but, dude.. I have never felt so liberated in my whole life ever since I wear hijab. I have never felt so free and I have never felt so great. I have been debating my whole life whether to wear hijab or not and honestly, I would say I was so dumb because it’s not something I should debate myself over. I should have worn it long ago. But, hey.. I do now and that’s all that matters.
I also learn the value of friends. How I enjoy having friends. How I love being around them. How I care deeply for them. I have to say this cause I don’t think I say this often, I am grateful for all of my friends. My friends in real life and my friends I know from the internet. I am grateful to have them in my life and I want to sincerely thank them for everything. You all made my life so colorful and full of adventures and experiences. I would never trade it for anything. My friends have taught me how important it is to be there for each other. To support each other and encourage each other to be better.
Last year, I graduated from middle school and I don’t think I have ever felt so incredibly happy and sad at the same time. I get to achieve a great thing with my friends but, I also have to say farewell to them. People with whom I’ve shared so many things for 3 years and I have never felt so personally connected. It was crazy and kind of woke me up. It’s just so new to me, you know?
My teachers, from when I was in kindergarten to when I was in middle school. All these people have taught me so much and I am grateful. I have to say, I’m an obnoxious kid to deal with, I’m not the best and I’m not the most pleasant. I have done things that may offend them. But, I have to say that I am grateful for my teachers. I really do. Some of them may have forget me and I may have forget some of them but, they taught me things and I’m sure God has a reward for them, so.. bless you all.
My teachers in middle school, they help me discover things about myself and help me grow up and dig up my own potential. Middle school was a roller coaster. I achieved so many things and experienced a lot there. My teachers there helped me. All of them. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Lastly but, definitely the most important.
First of all, what would I do without my family?
My family is my personal support system. I always think about them. Really. Because I know no matter what happen, they will always be there. My dad, my mum, my brothers.. they all know who I am and what I aspire the most and they always encourage me in their own ways.
My closest family besides them is my grandmothers (Oma & Eyang Ti), my grandfather (Eyang Kung), my aunts (Bude & Mama Lena), my uncles (Pakde & Uncle Rody) and my cousin, Dean. Not to exclude my other family but, I have to say I feel the closest to them. I have learned so much from them and I look up to them and I hope I am a good role model for my brothers and Dean. I am the oldest grandchild from both sides of the family and I felt the responsibility to be an example, you know. It’s just the way it is, I guess. When you’re older, you have some expectations set upon you and it’s kind of hard at times but, it helps you most times. Because whether you realize it or not, it helps you discover things about yourself. Believe me. And yeah, I hope I’m good enough and if I am not, I hope to be better.
I have learned so many lessons from my grandmothers, mainly on how a woman should be. My mum is definitely a great example. She was influenced by my grandmothers and here she is being the woman I have always look up to. I love them a lot. I couldn’t imagine my life without them, to be frankly honest with you.
Oma, she has shown me how to really live, she didn’t went to college but, that doesn’t mean she can’t be on her own and be a strong, independent woman. I take a great example from her. I mean look, she raise my mum and for me, that’s the biggest achievement ever because look where she is now and that’s because my Oma raise her. She is a true example of a hardworking housewife and/or woman in general and it inspires me, really.
Eyang Ti, she has shown me how a great educated woman really is. She has a masters degree and she was also a lecturer and she was a working mum. She has a husband and 3 kids to support while she was working. That’s something! Balancing everything is not easy and quite stressful. Oh, and all of her kids turned out amazing. My uncle (Pakde), my aunt (Mama Lena) and my dad all turned out to be decently successful in my opinion.
My grandfathers. Both of them taught me great life lessons. Both are great men with meaningful insights of the world.
Eyang Kung, he is someone that I would describe as wise, humorous, fun, has a lot of discipline and loving. He is such a great grandfather and I couldn’t be more proud to be his granddaughter. He really is a great man and I always thought about how lucky I am to have him and be a part of his life. My favorite thing about him is that how he seem to have endless stories to tell and I always love to hear it. He plays tennis on the weekend and he is pretty good at it (I still suck and that’s embarrassing). Point is, he is cool. You would love to be around him, really.
Opa, he is the grandfather I never got the chance to meet and if I have the chance to meet and have a conversation with him, I would be so excited I would probably cry, okay, not probably, DEFINITELY cry. Even when he’s gone, when he is not here, he still taught me many great lessons. His legacy lived on. I’ve been listening to so many inspiring stories about him and I admire him even though I have never met him. My mum told me how she still live by the things he taught her. And all those things are so damn true. But, in all honesty, I really wish I have a chance to meet him, he seems like an interesting person and I’m sure I would have bonded really well with him.
I look up to my grandparents a lot. They’re the real deal.
My aunts are the other great women I have the pleasure to know. I grew up with Bude and Mama Lena and I am grateful to have them in my life. I love them even though I hardly ever say it (sorry, I’m just not good in expressing those things I guess but, I wrote it here! So yay! haha). They mean a lot to me. They really do. I learn a lot from them and I hope to be a great, strong woman like them too.
My uncles are two of the funniest men I’ve known. While Pakde have been there since day one, Uncle Rody came later but both have been incredibly amazing. Uncle Rody is hilarious and have a sick taste in music so yay to him! And, I’ve always find it amusing when I came across pictures of me and Pakde from when I was so little. Because I seem to get along really well with him, haha. And I was (still is!) Cute.
Writing about my family makes me think about how I miss them terribly. I guess I’m just used to seeing them a lot and now that I am all alone in Philippines.. I just miss getting together and having fun. I miss home.
By the way, I guess that’s all.. I have written a hell lot of stuff. But, hey.. I do say that I wanna look back!
It has been a great 15 years and I hope being 16 will increase my maturity level. I am so ready to start a new chapter and eager to find out what’s next. It’s like reading a very great book, you’re always intrigued to see what’s gonna happen next. My life is great and I am excited for more.
Happy Birthday, me! Never change who you really are but, please learn from everything.
I can change the world. But, I can’t change the world in me.